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We never find out what makes Nike shoes different than Converse or Adidas, any more than we ever learn anything at all about Michael Jordan aside from the stuff that everyone already knows. Based on what we see here — or, rather, don’t see —, they might as well have called the shoes ‘Air Nobodies.’

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If you asked me what What Happens Later is, I’d say it’s The Langoliers of romantic dramedies (especially the Before Trilogy). Then again, it isn’t all that spooky, or romantic, or dramatic, or funny. So, to answer your hypothetical question, I have no fucking idea.

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Silent Night is a gimmicky movie, and one that I have a hard time believing anybody was clamoring for. It’s the opposite of ‘Garbo Talks!’ except that, sadly, no one thought of the tagline ‘Kinnaman Shuts Up!’

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The people who made Lap Dance are, if I may borrow an expression Michael Caine used in Sleuth, a bunch of prick-teasing cocksuckers.

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A confusing, half-baked plot further exacerbated by a deliberately convoluted script.
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Notorious is the rare biographical film that portrays its subject in a less than positive light, but still expects to achieve the same effect as if it were a hagiography
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This may not be the best movie about marriage equality, but it’s certainly the most honest in that it acknowledges that gay marriage sucks equally as bad as straight marriage.

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I can’t help having a soft spot for a movie that name-drops several pro wrestlers and plays Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” on its soundtrack approximately every five minutes.

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Frankenstein Unbound is better than it has any right to be. John Hurt and Raul Julia can’t help elevating the kitschy material they were given, and the cinematographers crafted the perfect look for the story.
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Perhaps the most bewildering aspect of this movie is reconciling its scatological, bodily function-based sense of humor (or lack thereof) with its random, ill-advised fits of spirituality.

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Before the Wrath puts the ‘God’ in Waiting for Godot. This pseudocumentary about Jesus’ ever-impending Second Coming is the perfect combination of eschatology and scatology — which is a fancy way of saying that it is a steaming pile of religious horseshit.

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Michael clearly expected the public to take Moonwalker as seriously as he took himself; in other words, not exceedingly so.

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Can you be said to lead by example when the example is spurious?

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It’s always sad when European filmmakers crap out manure that could have easily spewed from the PowerBook of the laziest Hollywood hack, and that’s exactly what we have here: a made-in-Spain Netflix knockoff of The Conjuring.

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There is a poignant dilemma at the center of Lola 2 that makes me wish they had constructed a better movie around it.

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JP  

There’s some Innsmouth-type shit going on in this film, but only the heroine comes even close to grasping the lovecraftian implications, and even then not for long.
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My first thought about A Day Late and a Dollar Short was, ‘a long time ago a good film could have been made with Ving Rhames, Mekhi Phifer and, in a pinch, even Whoopi Goldberg.’ Apparently, ten years isn't long enough.

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The Hunting Party is an atypical artifact, even for an early 70s New Hollywood revisionist Western.

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Tenet could have been an absurdist masterpiece, like The Naked Gun or The Pink Panther, if only it didn’t take itself so fucking seriously.

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JP  

Clock is the right kind of ‘empowering’ almost all the way through. Almost. Instead of beating you over the head with a MeToo stick, it illustrates how a woman’s womanhood can be used against her.

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