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JP  

The Tutor director Jordan Ross screwed up big time. You don’t cast actress, singer, and all-around hottie Victoria Justice as a pregnant woman.

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JP  

This film only perpetuates the myth that kids say the darndest things — or, in this case, that kids say the goddamdest things.

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JP  

It would be so much easier to like these characters if we could understand why they like each other.

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JP  

I wouldn’t hesitate to call this movie ageist; if that wasn't bad enough, it seems to be prejudiced against talent and intelligence as well.

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JP  

You can tell right from the title that Operation Black Ops writer/director Jamaal Burden didn’t think things through. Was he really not aware that ‘ops’ stands for ‘operations’? Or did he deliberately set out to make the Manos: The Hands of Fate of paramilitary action movies?

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JP  

The Pope Drops In is a fantasy. Not because of any supernatural shenanigans; it’s a fantasy because the filmmakers apparently lost all touch with reality.

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JP  

When the movie turned out to have a embarrassingly low body count, do you think fans were relieved or disappointed?

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JP  

Since Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein is entirely fictional and partly impossible, one has to wonder in just what way Frankenstein: The True Story could actually be “true.”

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JP  

The heroine actually attempts to seize a spaceship at gunpoint. Here I feel bound to clarify that this is not a comedy.

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JP  

The Battle of Midway is supposed to be serious business, not some Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow-type bullshit.

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JP  

This movie’s low budget is only matched by its low IQ.

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JP  

If you’ve seen the music video for Aerosmith’s “Hole in My Soul,” then you know exactly how Identity Crisis thinks that cloning works. The video is only six minutes long; what’s this movie’s excuse?

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JP  

Family Switch is Exactly What It Says on the Tin. You’d think Jennifer Garner would have already had enough of this shit, but as Yes Day proved a couple of years ago, her tolerance for contrived saccharine fare is unusually high.

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JP  

You could hypothetically make a drinking game based on how many times the expression “nothing’s impossible” is used in Cloud 9; you shouldn’t, though, because this was after all a Disney Channel original movie, but it’s still a valid point.

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JP  

Why watch a giant lizard and a giant gorilla beating each other up when you can see Peter Griffin fight a giant chicken on YouTube?

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JP  

Everybody already knows Carrie’s ‘greatest hits,’ so to speak. There are no more surprises to be had, and even when the filmmakers try to deviate from the formula, they mess up big time.

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JP  

Expecting historical accuracy from a biopic is like drawing blood from the proverbial stone, and I know that art is subjective — but is crossing your t’s and dotting your i’s really too much to ask for?

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JP  

The Oxford Murders is the study of a rather cerebral bromance.

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JP  

65 boils down to a series of sub-Jurassic Park shenanigans.
#65
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JP  

This is arguably director John Swab’s best movie — or the least worst, as the case may be.

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