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If The Dead Zone and Back to the Future Part II had a bastard child and then dropped it on its head, it would be this stupid fucking movie.

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On paper, The Last Voyage of the Demeter is a damn good idea; too good, as it turns out, to be true. In the right hands, this could have been a Victorian Alien; unfortunately, director André Øvredal’s and writers Bragi F. Schu’s and Zak Olkewicz’s aren’t the right hands.

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There are no ‘good guys’ in The Wild Bunch, only bad guys (who may or may not be all that bad) and worse guys.

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Young Caesar is the larger-than-life figure that Curtis Jackson desperately wants to be, to the point that a modest 50 cents is not enough anymore; only a nickname that references arguably the most brilliant political and military mind in history will suffice.

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If Kingdom of the Crystal Skull nuked the fridge, Dial of Destiny is content with jumping the shark, starting with the subtitle that makes it sound like a sequel to the Tenacious D movie.

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Most caper films count on the audience either being dumb or at least playing dumb, but no audience could possibly be any dumber than the people who made The Pass.

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This movie’s many problems start right with the title. Roald Dahl never wrote any musicals, so why is this one attributed to him? The filmmakers are guilty of a type of inductive fallacy known as ‘honor by association’ — or, to put it in layman’s terms, name-dropping.

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This romcom about an allegedly cataplectic man is fit to leave you apoplectic.

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Like Spinal Tap, Batman Ninja turned to the Land of the Rising Sun in a bid to inject new life into a creatively depleted franchise. And, like Spinal Tap, Batman Ninja is silly and over the top (well, not quite like Spinal Tap, but you get the idea).

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Immortals’ olympic gods are anything but godlike. Or Olympic. Or immortal. But they do have recognizable names that are in the public domain, and that's all that was needed to make them characters in this movie.

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Seneca: On the Creation of Earthquakes wants really bad to be satirical, but its aim is so broad, its targets so distant, and its approach so obvious as to render it toothless — biting satire, this ain’t.

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I came to Maneater for Branscombe Richmond (I loves me some Bobby Sixkiller) and stayed for Trace Adkins’s PETA/ASPCA-unfriendly dialogue.

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The Stranger (Clint Eastwood, who also directs) puts the ‘anti’ in anti-hero, and then drops the ‘hero’ part altogether.

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Ambiguity is the fuel that feeds the fire of suspense, but this fire must not be an eternal flame; it ought to burn out rather than burn away, and then, in a final flicker, shed light on a resolution.

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If nothing else, The Vanished proves that Peter Facinelli is a better director than he is an actor, but a better actor than he is a writer.

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The title Flight is a perfect illustration that brevity really is the soul of wit. Its six letters describe not only the protagonist’s occupation (flying), but also what he spends most of the film doing (fleeing), and if we only added a seventh letter (-y), it would describe the character himself.

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Here is, to my knowledge, the first ever female exorcist movie. I’m all for breaking the glass ceiling, but this is a field that women would be well advised to leave to the men who have historically dominated it, lest they incur in stupidity by association.

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JP  

Ashgrove is an exercise in futility that sends its characters — and, by extension, the audience — on a pointless errand.

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A Shot Through the Wall offers a third alternative on an issue traditionally seen literally in black-and-white terms.

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JP  

This movie literally believes that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and, accordingly, it quickly turns to mush like corn flakes left sitting in milk too long.

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