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JP  

Nobody goes into a film starring Rami Malek and Jared Leto expecting a feel-good, escapist fun-fest, but if at the end of the day you fail to produce the slightest glimmer of optimism and hope, then what exactly have I just endured two hours of Ramie Malek and Jared Leto for?

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

1
JP  

Céline and Julie Go Boating is the film Bergman would have made if Bergman had had a sense of humor.

humbertroget.wordpress.com/202

0
JP  

Match Me If You Can? More like watch it if you dare. I’d say that the characters are meant to be nerds, except that, in the words of Milhouse, nerds are smart — and this film is a glaring example of the Idiot Plot.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Lifeforce is the best Dracula-from-Space movie I’ve ever seen. I haven’t seen that many, mind you, and Vampirella and Dracula 3000 sure didn’t set that particular bar very high. Still, Lifeforce is a satisfying minor diversion for fans of old-school sci-fi horror.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

1+
JP  

Top Gunner: Danger Zone is, nominally, a mockbuster of Top Gun: Maverick; when you get down to it, however, it turns out to be a somewhat clever variation of the Speed gimmick — though the cleverness is sadly short-lived.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

I admit I saw Money Plane just for Edge; similarly, there must be people who’ll see it just for Thomas Jane or Denise Richards — and you know what? Those people are going to be just as disappointed as I was.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

1
JP  

This movie’s problem is right there in the title. It can’t decide whether it wants to be about a late-night radio program where people call to tell horror stories (Nightmare Radio), or about an unstable listener with a grudge against the DJ (The Night Stalker).

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

This film is better than it has any right to be, and insofar as it works, it does so because the cast know how dumb the whole thing is, and are clearly having a blast with the preposterous material they’ve been given. The filmmakers, on the other hand, try too hard to emulate Tarantino and Robert Rodríguez at the peak of their powers, and can’t even reach the depths to which those two have sunk nowadays.

humbertroget.wordpress.com/202

0
JP  

There have been female US Presidents in the movies before, but has there ever been a female US President, a Mexican-born ‘First Gentleman,’ and a bisexual ‘First Son’ who falls in love with a gay Prince of Wales? Co-writer/director Matthew López threw everything but the kitchen sink at his film, and then he went, ‘ah, what the hell,’ and threw the kitchen sink too, just for good measure.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

The Painting (original title: Le Tableau) is a rather clever pastiche of Romeo and Juliet and The Wizard of Oz. It’s also a palimpsest, rich in content and meaning below the surface.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

The Seventh Sign is no longer the dumbest apocalyptic horror fantasy loosely based on the Bible.

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0
JP  

People can and do change, of course, but seldom do they go from Ving Rhames to Michael Jai White.

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0
JP  

How bad is Snag? It’s Danny Trejo-bad without actually having Danny Trejo in it. It’s also pointless. An early-Tarantino/Robert Rodríguez/Guy Ritchie pastiche, in this day and age, only manages to 1) remind us of how irrelevant those three have become since they blew their artistic wad in the mid-to-late 90s, and 2) draw attention to how paying ‘homage’ to one’s ‘influences’ has become a substitute for ingenuity.

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0
JP  

See You on Venus is the story of an 18-year-old girl, played by a 28-year-old actress, with the mental capacity of an 8-year-old child.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

It’s nice to see that Matthew Broderick is still gainfully employed, but that’s about the only joy that can be derived from this ill-advised piece of junk. You can’t even find solace in the prospect of a Jennifer Lawrence full frontal nude scene, because she looks from the neck down like a character from Bob Zemeckis’s ghastly computer-animated Beowulf (and here I thought that deepfake pornography was frowned upon).

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

The flaw in writer/director Brit McAdams’s logic is that, just because Bob Ross oozed unintentional comedy, that doesn’t mean that putting a dead ringer onscreen will inevitably cause non-stop hilarity to ensue.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

If you ever thought it’d be a great idea to make an anorexic/bulimic Girl, Interrupted (Hurl, Interrupted?), then this is the movie for you.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

If one is forgiving of its rudimentary werewolves, and willing to let them take the place of dragons in an Arthurian pastiche, then there is much to enjoy at Werewolf Castle.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Resistance makes the same mistake as Life is Beautiful; i.e., believing that laughter is the best medicine against fascism.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Not all characters in Sisu are fascists, but pretty much everybody is a fucking asshole — and none more so than the protagonist, a greedy, mass-murdering miser who is no better than a goddamned leprechaun.

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0
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