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It’s safe to say that Zac Effron wasn’t chosen to play Ted Bundy for the same reasons that Charlize Theron was cast as Aileen Wournos. He can’t act, but then he doesn’t need to; he looks the part even if he can’t be the part.

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Dev Patel is just as wrong a choice to play Sir Gawain as he was for David Copperfield, but it’s not his fault that The Green Knight is an incoherent mess; the responsibility lies entirely with writer/director/editor David Lowery.

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Sooner rather than later every franchise ends up, by design or accident, a parody of itself. The Crow: Wicked Prayer never stood a chance of avoiding this fate, but then what movie starring Eddie Furlong, David Boreanaz, Tara Reid, and Danny Trejo would?

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All Together Now is a 90-minute soap opera, with soap opera reversals of fortune and a soap opera happy ending. The heroine lives in the school bus her mother drives. Then on the street. Then she takes a shower in a nursing home bathroom. Then her mother dies in a traffic accident caused by an evil stepfather. And then her fucking puppy gets cancer or something.

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The sheer number of films discussed and the period of time covered make Los Angeles Plays Itself an article of interest for all students of cinema; it's also the film equivalent of the cranky old neighbor yelling “You kids get off my goddamn lawn!”

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Writer/director Joe Robert Cole no doubt grew up on Boyz n the Hood, Menace II Society, Juice, New Jack City, and South Central, absorbing the style but not the substance.

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Bad Company is the neo-noir version of Deep Cover, released three years earlier; both star Larry Fishburne as mole who infiltrates a criminal organization on behalf of a federal agency, only to have the line between the two sides blur, if not disappear. The main difference is that in Deep Cover the hero’s inner conflict is what drives the plot, while Bad Company is all surface — which is exactly what a noir should be like.

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Koko-di Koko-da is a strange little movie, the kind that only Scandinavians could or would make. Writer/producer/director/editor Johannes Nyholm owes more to von Trier than to Bergman, though, and even then seems to have limited himself to imitating the former’s bad habits and none of the virtues that tend to redeem his excesses.

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Raccoon City is set in 1998, and it looks like it was made that year as well. Little or nothing distinguishes it from 2002’s Resident Evil, except perhaps lower production values, if such a thing is possible.

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Britney vs Spears has ‘first world problem’ written all over it. “Britney is no longer a free person. She has no basic human rights. She can’t write a check or have a credit card.” Boo hoo, cry me a fucking river, bitch. To be fair, though, Britney had nothing to do with this pseudocumentary, nor does she appear in it other than by way of archival footage.

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Following the massive clusterfuck that was Let Them All Talk (never mind that No One Really Had Anything to Say), and the glorious return to form of No Sudden Move, Steven Soderbergh once again zigged when he should have zagged, and the result is an effort whose attempts to address relevant, sensitive topics are thwarted by a formulaic execution.

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Let Them All Talk is a befitting title, because everybody gets a chance to speak, even if they have nothing to say. Meryl Streep, Dianne Wiest, and Candice Bergen are a Mount Rushmore of female acting, and their casting here is spot-on, but their improvisational skills are slim to none.

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This is a very contrived movie; it opens with “a very bad car accident” involving the heroine, who is informed by a doctor that “You ruptured your heart due to trauma.” In other words, her heart’s literally broken. Awww.

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The Munsters is Rob Zombie’s worst movie yet, which alone puts it in contention for worst movie ever. Maybe Zombie should stick to horror flicks (better yet, get White Zombie back together and go on a very long tour).

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The Aeronauts is a 100-minute long illustration of the Hot Air Balloon Rule (no good movie has ever featured a hot-air balloon), though it takes it less than 10 minutes to show why; that is, right about the point where a poor dog is parachuted from a hot-air balloon; the pooch lands safely, raising the question of how does a dog, lacking both brainpower and opposable thumbs, successfully operates a parachute?

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The Sky is Everywhere suscribes to the theory that death is the ultimate aphrodisiac, though I think the scriptwriter may be confusing grief with puberty.

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The heroine of Desperados receives a Danza slap from a dolphin. She’s also wrongfully accused of pedophilia. This is supposed to be a comedy, but animals and children in sexual situations are seldom, if ever, funny — or smart, but then this movie is a clear example of the Idiot Plot.

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On the one hand, Quicksand is a very belayed clone of Open Water; on the other, it is, either by design or accident (likely the latter), a not entirely unintelligent study of human nature — specifically, how well our principles hold (or don’t hold) under extreme circumstances.
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I know Extraction II is just a big, dumb action flick, but I still think that the viewer should feel like something’s at stake. You know you’re in trouble when people are getting killed left and right, dropping like so many flies, and yet it doesn’t come across as a life-and-death situation.
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News of the World is great news for western lovers. Bursting at the seams with Home on the Range-type Scenery Porn, the film's influences, which it proudly and openly wears like a badge of honor, go back to the John Wayne days of The Searchers and True Grit.

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JP

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