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JP  

Crossroads could have been a teen pop 8 Mile if only the lead had any resemblance to Britney Spears beyond looking and sounding like Britney Spears. Here’s an uber-sexy babe with an exceptional voice who couldn’t, aside from playing herself, give a convincing performance if her life depended on it; why not just play to her strengths rather than her weaknesses?

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the only way that the title would make sense is if we in the audience are the ones looking at these events through the eye of a sniper somehow (meanwhile, the word “fortress” gets thrown around often, but I don’t think it means what they think it means).

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This is arguably the point where a Wes Anderson film officially becomes less than the sum of its parts. Where accommodating the myriad members of Anderson’s ever-growing all-star troupe, finally crosses over into stunt casting territory. Where the movie’s flimsy structure cannot support so many supporting players, and the overabundance of character highlights what a characterless mess the screenplay is.

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Bullet is a shot in the dark; a stray bullet that almost hits its mark. Almost. It’s hard to screw up a film with Mickey Rourke, Tupac Shakur, Adrien Brody, and Ted Levine — hard, but not impossible.

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Tom Hardy spends the entire film wearing a prosthetic mask that covers the entire surface of his face and skull, making him look like Michael Myers in Halloween 3000: Massacre at the Old Folks Home.

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For all its flaws, I would go so far as to say that this 1996 version is the best possible film of The Island of Dr. Moreau.

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If nothing else, Solver is evidence that there is such a thing as too much serendipity. Similarly, the hero is living proof that it’s better to be lucky than good — or smart.

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Finding humor in ill-advised bits of dialogue is the viewer’s last best hope of being entertained by this movie.

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Running Naked is an example of what I like to call the Phenomenon Syndrome; people with cancer can do a bunch of things they shouldn’t be doing even if they could, plus a bunch of other things they couldn’t do before, even if they had had a clean bill of health, and even if they had wanted to.

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JP  

Of the three words that make up the title of Te Quiero, Imbécil, one of them hits the nail on the head — and I’m sure even non-Spanish speakers will know which one. Here is a film completely devoid of intelligent or original thoughts.

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JP  

About the only aspect of the movie that isn’t spelled out in great detail is the answer to the most pressing question of all: since Firestarter was already remade just last year, what exactly is the point of a Firestarter knockoff like Gray Matter?

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The Many Saints of Newark is The Sopranos-meets-The Godfather Part II, and the result is so much less than the sum of its parts. Did we really need to know that Tony Soprano was once a chubby brat? Moreover, did we really want to know that that chubby brat would grow up to become Michael Gandolfini? Michael would certainly be a chip off the old block, if his father had been Oswald Cobblepot instead of Tony Soprano.

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Gilda was meant to be Casablanca with a happy ending, but whereas Casablanca ends with “the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” Gilda concludes with the continuation of a toxic romance.

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Daniel O’Neil (Grant Gustin) is a Rhode Island state trooper who dreams of joining the K9 unit. He is “qualified in a bunch of other trooper specialties”, such as “hostage negotiating, EVOC training, peer-to-peer counseling, honor guard, boat team, [and] dive team,” but his dream eludes him because “K9 team requires calm and focus.” And fucking hostage negotiating doesn’t?

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Father Stu is just like Rudy, except that instead of playing football for Notre Dame, Stuart Long (Marky Mark) wants to become a catholic priest. Both Stu and Rudy have in common that both were thoroughly unqualified for the position they were so unreasonably adamant about filling, and neither deserved to have a movie made about them.

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There’s no fantasy football in this movie, but there is plenty of fantasy about football, and I don’t mean just the part that’s supposed to be fantastical. For starters, there’s the notion that a running back with butter fingers would last 12 years in the NFL.

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The only thing that the script correctly foreshadows is its own knack for bluntly telegraphing just what’s going to happen next.
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If you’d told me yesterday about a 2022 Western starring Gabriel Byrne, Thomas Jane, and Richard Dreyfuss, my first reaction would have been, “not a bad idea on paper, but they missed that boat by about a few hundred years.” But that would have been yesterday.

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JP  

Cinderella is a jukebox musical, based on a classic fairy tale, with CGI animals, and the now obligatory ethnically diverse cast. It’s like, how much more lazy could the script be? And the answer is none. None more lazy.

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The Farewell takes Movie Cancer to previously unheard-of levels of fantasy. Compared to this, The Bucket List is a documentary.

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