I'm always flattered when a site thinks I'm a robot, because I *wish* I were emotionless and good at math.

Me: *firmly believes I will never find relief or acceptance*

Also me: *continues to post off-putting nonsense on every social media platform in existence*

My best jokes come about as a result of sleep deprivation, whereas my best sleep comes about as a result of joke deprivation.

It took Twitter a ridiculous amount of time to post my latest tweet, and honestly? I get it.

Looking to immigrate to a kinder reality.

UNPOPULAR OPINION: I deserve to not be miserable 24/7.

I'm so depressed that I want to sleep forever but also too depressed to fall asleep.

Pretty sure this was an Aesop fable and/or Twilight Zone twist ending.

"Not cool enough to like Halloween but too cool to like Christmas" is very much my brand.

What phase of the MCU is that Taylor Swift concert film part of?

After the year I’ve had, emotional numbness has become something to which I aspire.

Me? Just having one of those lifetimes where it feels like the world exists solely to kick my ass.

Twitter is the perfect social media platform for the Halloween season.*

*because it is a lumbering zombie

I don't wanna call myself a rebel, but I *have* consumed Funyuns while engaging in decidedly un-fun activities.

Just remarked, “Time to go another round with the head-squeezers” while putting on a pair of tight-fitting glasses, so it’s probably for the best that I live alone.

As far-fetched as it sounds, I’m beginning to suspect that there’s some sort of correlation between my worse-than-usual mindset and my worse-than-usual sleep habits.

Still waiting for one of the many Walking Dead series to address the long-standing mystery of how every character in the franchise is able to remain clean, well-groomed, and sharply dressed amidst a global zombie apocalypse.

"Self-deprecation"? You mean "joke fodder"?

Whenever I watch a horror movie, I close all my windows just in case the film's monster turns out to be real, is in the vicinity of my apartment, and makes a point of attacking anyone who watches movies in which they are featured.

Sometimes it hurts to be this smart.

As a connoisseur of deprecation, I say you can't beat "self."

From exactly two years ago. Wherein Cord embraces the changing of seasons.