Me: I realize there's no intellectual basis to the claim that the universe hates me.

Also me: *doesn't actually realize this due to mounting evidence that's impossible to deny*

“So this kid struggles with depression and anxiety and DOESN’T have an enormous social media following?”

- Someone reading Peanuts in 2023

LIFE GOAL: Acquire enough wealth to warrant a Christmas Eve visit from three ghosts.

New comic! Wherein Cord is an advocate for mental health care.

My life is in a constant state of (acid re)flux.

Excessive worrying? Just because I Googled "Can you die from wearing tight-fitting glasses?" thrice within the last hour?

Watching the Barbie movie. At what point does Oppenheimer show up?

The lottery is the “idiot tax,” you say? Well, what if I were to wear my horoscope-prescribed lucky color when purchasing my ticket?

Sorry, is "rizz" an actual word? I always assumed people were trying to say "jizz" in a Scooby-Doo voice.

If this isn't the year I have a magical Christmas Eve adventure that restores my faith in the world, I give the fuck up.

Me: *can’t fucking see without glasses*

Also me: *regularly walks out the door without glasses*

You don’t scare me. You’re not video boxes from the horror section of the grocery store’s attached movie rental place in 1991.

The worst thing about caffeine is that it makes me feel optimistic.

Okay, so once and for all, is it "daylight saving," "daylight savings," or "antiquated nonsense that needs to fuck the hell off"?

I refuse to set the clock on my oven back because I am wholeheartedly opposed to DST and not at all because I don't know how to adjust that particular clock.

At this point, I might actually take The Purge over Daylight Saving.

It’s only November 1st, and I’ve already had my fill of snow for at least a decade.

New comic! Wherein Jenkins is stoked for his favorite holiday.

Just made up a song entitled "Everything Hurts and Everyone Sucks," in case you're wondering what kind of year I'm having.

I regard myself as a staunch traditionalist*.

*someone who prefers to see Treehouse of Horror episodes air before Halloween rather than after