Guy: Nearly every candidate on that stage pledged their allegiance to a man who’s facing 91 criminal charges across four separate indictments.

Crypt Keeper: It would seem they’ve all drank the GHOUL-Aid! *cackles*

Guy: Ha!

Crypt Keeper: But no, it’s a literal cult.

Even on this, the hottest day of the year, the temperature has yet to exceed still-preferable-to-winter degrees.

*realizes I'm lucid dreaming, instantly accuses every dream person I come across of being Freddy Krueger in disguise*

Hobbies including trying in vain to summon the mental fortitude to ever again enjoy my hobbies.

Gotta wonder if the host body from Cells at Work has any idea of just how much broken glass is floating around their bloodstream.

Just exclaimed, "I fucking HATE these fucking allergies!" after blowing my nose for the umpteenth time this morning, thus completing my transformation into a '90s cartoon villain.

I have a headache, but not a “go to sleep at a sensible hour” headache.

Fuckin’ multiverses! In MY day, fictional universes were riddled with impossible-to-explain continuity errors, and I don’t recall anyone complaining*!

*except for myself and millions (billions?) of other nerds

New comic - and annual reminder that these characters reside in Los Angeles. #Comic #ComicStrip #Comedy

I don't wanna say Twitter has become exhausting, but I'm afraid to make a joke about shadowbanning for fear that the mere mention of shadowbanning will result in shadowbanning.

People who didn't grow up in the '90s will never know the sublime joy of shouting, "MORTAL KOMBAT" whenever a fight broke out at school.

I just sighed, “I hate my worthless-ass, broken-ass, defective-ass brain,” in case anyone’s curious about how I’m faring on the intrusive thoughts front.

I’ve decided to put my feelings of intense loneliness, despair, and isolation to constructive use*.

*occasionally include a very subtle nod to them in an unpopular comic strip whose core cast includes a talking sock

From exactly two years ago. Wherein Cord looks out for public health. #Comic #ComicStrip #Comedy

I don’t wanna say I have a puerile sense of humor, but my drafts folder contains no less than 5,000 puns that incorporate the word “poo.”

Currently playing a super-fun game called "Are My New Glasses Too Tight or Am I a Hypersensitive Weirdo?".

From exactly two years ago. Wherein Cord copes with rejection. #Comic #ComicStrip #Comedy

Person: One for 'The Meg.'

Person with manners: One for 'The MEGAN,' PLEASE.

Happy 20th to the only film from either franchise that I saw in a theater due to being too young (or not existing) when the others came out.

I maintain that the sequel in which they would have fought Ash Williams never materialized because it was simply too cool to exist in this mortal realm.

Me: *buys tissue*

Also me: *has the worst allergies ever*

Also also me: How the fuck am I going through tissue so quickly?!