Have we tried coffee enemas? What about steaming of the genitals? Perhaps espresso machine manufacturers could also make ventilators?

He's gone full Gwyneth Paltrow.

This coming election, if you don't show up, you're essentially voting for people from a political party that apparently now believes ice cream to be a communist plot.

Junior be like, "Can you even believe these fucking rich people right here?"

And Trump followers are all, "Fuck rich people and their fancy ice cream!"

Junior, "I know, right?"

I really need a haircut. I'm afraid some of you are going to have to die.
-- Republican Jesus

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Coronavirus Press Conference, 4/19/2020

Trump: "Once it was reluctantly aroused, it was hard to get it aroused, and it *is* hard to get it aroused, but we got it aroused."

That's it. That's the whole thing. Thanks for coming, everybody. Go home. Wash your hands.

When the Koch Brothers have convinced you courage is drowning yourself in the icy waters so there's plenty of comfortable room in the lifeboats for rich people.

Some days, just for fun, I like to go back and reread all those predictions from the experts in the 1980s about how the Information Age was going to create a utopia of knowledge and brotherhood.

I spent most of my adult life in the military. 30 years and 3 wars later, and I'm going to offer you this advice:

When the politicians and the news "experts" start talking about "acceptable losses," that's when you should maybe give some serious consideration to who the REAL enemy actually is.

You know, I'm starting to think maybe Oprah isn't very good at picking doctors.

Only, two to three percent total mortality.

2-3% mortality rate. Not the number of infections, that's the (apparently) acceptable mortality rate.

56.6 million kids in school.

That's 1.1 to 1.6 MILLION dead kids.

Let's split the difference and call it 1.25 million. Dead kids.

Might be a nice tradeoff.

I guess.

I think we've reached the point where it's okay for Jimmy Carter to start using profanity openly.

Trump HAS to reopen business.

It's his only chance.

Trump can't win if his Wall Street pals are broke and conservatives are standing in line for the food bank. Republicans don't give a shit about abortion or gay marriage when they're hungry and unemployed and can't afford ammo for their AR-15s.

Remember those idiot kids who were licking toilet seats last month?

These are their parents.

I totally get that these people are sick of staying home and are willing to risk death just to get out in public again.

I mean, shit, I wouldn't want to be cooped up with a bunch of batshit crazy Republicans either.

TFW you confuse your sex life with your administration's response to the coronavirus.