@Alfred Create a picture of Jesus Christ and Santa Clause on vacation.

The one video I took last night #GeoStorm

I heard so many people say that you see Aurora is better through an iPhone than with the naked eye and I always thought that sounded stupid but tonight I got the proof that it’s 100% true

Wooooooooowhaaaaaaaa

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Headline : Person on fire outside courthouse where Trump's trial is underway
Me : "Please let it be him, please let it be him..."

Apple Watch : It's time to stand up!
* goes to pee / finishes peeing *
Apple Watch : You did it !
Yes I did, Apple Watch... yes I did.

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Updated profile pic. Obviously not really me, but then again, the other pic was almost 20 years old so was it really me anyways?

Because I report some random news at random times. One of my many qualities.

Earthquake app showing two major shakes in Taiwan.

@TrueBloodNet I could just picture a bunch of hares chatting in a corner "We've never lost one frigging race to a tortoise, this BS has followed us for millenniums!"

Over 500 years BC, Aesop created the story of the tortoise and the hare and for over 2500 years, hares have had this bad rep of losing races to tortoises and... and... and... I dunno why i'm talking about this

People who feel like you have to justify to them why you did not answer when they called are the absolute worst.

@AskTheDevil You know what? If you google "Squirrel flipping" or "ninja squirrel", you'll find out (just like me) that it's actually not all that uncommon. Makes me wonder why it took me 44 years to see it.

I have no video and I have no proof, but I swear there was a squirrel doing back flips on my lawn earlier.

Got my eye on this girl at the restaurant

@Maude Not even with my mouth wired shut.

@Agatha I hear ya, I don't like raisins in any context lol

Carrot cake is pretty damn good, but I still feel the first person to come up with the idea was on heavy fucking drugs.