My mother died this past weekend.

She had Parkinson's dementia. She was doing mostly OK a year ago last May. We had to move her to memory care in September because she started wandering off.

A little over a week ago she fell, twice in 2 days. We didn't recognize it at the time, but it was probably terminal agitation. She wouldn't stop moving.

3rd day, she was unresponsive & apneic. Memory care called 911 & sent her to the local ED. She never really left.

Sometime after her fall she was given Valium to help calm her agitation. It worked - but she probably aspirated at some point. And then it was all over. She started actively dying from that point.

Dad & I were with her when she died.

If you've never seen anyone actively dying, it's rough.

Fwiw I'm seeing folks' condolences - I don't know that I'll be able to respond to everyone, just know that I see you & appreciate it so very much. Thank you. <3 <3 <3

If I hadn't started following this gal I wouldn't have known what I was seeing & what mom was going through: https://www.youtube.com/@hospicenursejulie

I had a really conflicted relationship with my mom. A lot of grieving right now has to do with all the missed chances there were. & why she wasn't a better mom, & whether or not we could've done better than we did.

I was supposed to work this week. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH yeah of COURSE I thought I could work, I push myself all the time with shit like this.

It's part of the legacy mom left me: push through it, don't feel, get back to work or else you'll be fired, nobody cares about your feelings or your bullshit.

Like, y'know, your mom dying.

Fortunately, my wiser head prevailed. I requested bereavement leave & I'm off unitl at least partway thru next week.

It sucks tho'.

I don't have much else to say right now. Mom had a good end: it was relatively quick, she was on a lot of morphine, she passed quickly & quietly, with me and dad there with her.

I played her favorite opera & classical music at her bedside. She was listening to Beethoven's 6th when she died.

I told her everything I needed to tell her. I told her I loved her, which I do. I hate her too, but I didn't tell her that.

I told her that it was OK, she could go, she didn't have to hang on.

I told her there were people who loved her, & for all her mistakes & fuckups, which were big, she did OK too. I told her I understood how come she treated me the way she did: I told her I could see her pain & I understood it.

I told her I knew she did what she knew how to do. I told her I knew she loved me. I told her we'd miss her & we'd all be OK. I told her me & sibling would take care of dad for her.