Even going across the street for a bit led to a few interactions that showed how frayed my nerves are right now. It took me no fewer than five interactions to get the last one sort-of right, and I still feel very much unable to "people" well right now.
One thing I hate doing is bringing negative energy to a genuine request from someone on the street. I was hit by such a request 2 blocks from home, by someone who needed just a wee bit more for a vital medication. We went to the pharmacist but
+
my nerves were frayed and I fell back into a way of venting I used to do all the time in Canada, when I was *so* miserable, *so* stuck in my life, & saw no way to fix any of my problems, but also couldn't help being in pseudo-public spaces (for work) where everyone around me "needed" me to fill in a perceived gap in their life. That's the kind of suffocation I've been feeling lately, and to have that old venting behaviour come out around someone *actually* in need filled me with great shame.
+
@MLClark I wanted to share that after reading this I decided I would go out for a run : I only run indoors on a treadmill and haven't done that in a year but at least I made the effort 🤣.
On my (attempted) run I came up on a thin old man trying to sleep under a bridge. I continued my run but could not forget what I saw.
On my way back I woke him and gave him some food and water I bought at the gas station.
Your writing brings good to the world you can not see 🙌 🙂
Anton, this was such a generous comment to share.
Thank you so much for *your* presence in the world, & for the deep kindness of suggesting that I had anything to do with your own very clearly giving nature.
I'm so glad you went out.
I'm so thankful you were present with need.
Your story didn't just help that fellow, you know - it also helped *me*.
I'm honoured that we share a world. I sorely hope you're doing well, & always feel supported yourself, as you support others in turn. 💛
@MLClark Thank you. Although I always think of others and try to help, your example of sitting with a street person and sharing time and listen just encourages me to do more, see more and think deeper about those around me. Thank you for writing such powerful insights and I hope they influence many more 🙂
@MLClark “If I am not for myself, who is for me? When I am for myself, what am I? If not now, when? (Pirkei Avot 1:14)”
Your struggle is not new, and not only you. Consider: On an airplane adults are instructed to take care of themselves first with air masks then take care of the vulnerable.
Oh, good choice with that Avot. 👌
My problem is that I'm not able to leave home right now with the calm I need to navigate the range of asks I'm receiving all the time.
Even on the way back today, I ran into the fellow who burst into tears at me the other day, wanting me to sit with him because his mum had just died.
It's wearing on me--but that's a "me" thing. I need to find my centre before I can be present with others.
I'm just trying not to be housebound in the meantime.
@MLClark what would be a compassionate way to set boundaries with grieving man that fits with your point of view?
Canis, I run into over a dozen people in my 'hood just walking 2 blocks to the park. I mentioned him because I brought him up the other day, when the encounter triggered stress binging when I got home. I'd never spoken to him before, but I'm "known" and sought out.
So it's a long gamut of different interactions throughout the day: the taxi drivers, the beggars, the people waiting for their rides.
The toughest ones are the fellows who catch my hand in handshakes that don't end--
--because those can happen if I'm not spatially aware 100% of the time, or moving through a throng.
And this is my 'hood, so a balance of courtesy is necessary, and I can usually manage it. But right now my life is fucked, so all the people who keep imposing expectations on me - mostly based on my perceived singleness and/or exotic status - are wearing me out.
I feel acutely like I'll never belong anywhere, always being seen as a tool by everyone, not a person. #ImmigrantIssues
@MLClark and your always being the outsider is perhaps the empathy you emit like a ______________ ____________ to your __________ ___________. (You have think this through)
@MLClark well, in that case, you’re just going to have to put into a story to work it out then thank me in your Nebula Award speech.
Thank you for nudging me to articulate the fullness of the stressor, Canis.
Sneaky, clever move, you smart cookie you.
Sometimes naming the pent-up frustration is an excellent salve. 💙
But after that & a few annoying encounters with people who mistook me for a tourist (something that makes people think I can't speak Spanish, because they're so struck by the vision of the Other, and who thus act like nothing I'm saying makes any sense)...
I breathed out. Had a decent encounter with someone. Then another.
And on my way back, I sat with a street person I know who just wanted to talk about how losing his sight was scaring him.
Paso a paso.
Relearning how to "people" takes time.