Even going across the street for a bit led to a few interactions that showed how frayed my nerves are right now. It took me no fewer than five interactions to get the last one sort-of right, and I still feel very much unable to "people" well right now.
One thing I hate doing is bringing negative energy to a genuine request from someone on the street. I was hit by such a request 2 blocks from home, by someone who needed just a wee bit more for a vital medication. We went to the pharmacist but
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my nerves were frayed and I fell back into a way of venting I used to do all the time in Canada, when I was *so* miserable, *so* stuck in my life, & saw no way to fix any of my problems, but also couldn't help being in pseudo-public spaces (for work) where everyone around me "needed" me to fill in a perceived gap in their life. That's the kind of suffocation I've been feeling lately, and to have that old venting behaviour come out around someone *actually* in need filled me with great shame.
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@MLClark “If I am not for myself, who is for me? When I am for myself, what am I? If not now, when? (Pirkei Avot 1:14)”
Your struggle is not new, and not only you. Consider: On an airplane adults are instructed to take care of themselves first with air masks then take care of the vulnerable.
Oh, good choice with that Avot. 👌
My problem is that I'm not able to leave home right now with the calm I need to navigate the range of asks I'm receiving all the time.
Even on the way back today, I ran into the fellow who burst into tears at me the other day, wanting me to sit with him because his mum had just died.
It's wearing on me--but that's a "me" thing. I need to find my centre before I can be present with others.
I'm just trying not to be housebound in the meantime.
@MLClark what would be a compassionate way to set boundaries with grieving man that fits with your point of view?
Canis, I run into over a dozen people in my 'hood just walking 2 blocks to the park. I mentioned him because I brought him up the other day, when the encounter triggered stress binging when I got home. I'd never spoken to him before, but I'm "known" and sought out.
So it's a long gamut of different interactions throughout the day: the taxi drivers, the beggars, the people waiting for their rides.
The toughest ones are the fellows who catch my hand in handshakes that don't end--
@CanisPundit
Thank you for nudging me to articulate the fullness of the stressor, Canis.
Sneaky, clever move, you smart cookie you.
Sometimes naming the pent-up frustration is an excellent salve. 💙