I wish I'd been able to know her at her ideal best. Like, if in some other universe she was a healthy person who worked on her shit & got a ton of therapy, that kind of "best".

No fuss, no agitation, no pain, nothing. She died quietly & peacefully.

I'm so fucking glad she isn't suffering anymore. She was so broken, what was good in her struggled so hard to be out in the world.

She literally took 5 breaths after the last dose of morphine, & was gone. Everything just... stopped.

She was uncomfortable on her last day so dad & I asked for them to suction out some fluid at the back of her throat & please increase her morphine dosage.

It wasn't a big dose to begin with. But she was so fragile, the increase probably was too much.

I also told her that if *grandma* came for her, don't go with grandma, she's bad news - wait for grandpa or Auntie S.

I told her that if Grandpa J. or Auntie S. came for her, she could go with them. She actually saw her dad a lot in the past couple of weeks - she was getting ready to leave us & we didn't even know it.

I told her I knew she did what she knew how to do. I told her I knew she loved me. I told her we'd miss her & we'd all be OK. I told her me & sibling would take care of dad for her.

I told her there were people who loved her, & for all her mistakes & fuckups, which were big, she did OK too. I told her I understood how come she treated me the way she did: I told her I could see her pain & I understood it.

I told her everything I needed to tell her. I told her I loved her, which I do. I hate her too, but I didn't tell her that.

I told her that it was OK, she could go, she didn't have to hang on.

I played her favorite opera & classical music at her bedside. She was listening to Beethoven's 6th when she died.

I don't have much else to say right now. Mom had a good end: it was relatively quick, she was on a lot of morphine, she passed quickly & quietly, with me and dad there with her.

Fortunately, my wiser head prevailed. I requested bereavement leave & I'm off unitl at least partway thru next week.

It sucks tho'.

It's part of the legacy mom left me: push through it, don't feel, get back to work or else you'll be fired, nobody cares about your feelings or your bullshit.

Like, y'know, your mom dying.

I was supposed to work this week. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH yeah of COURSE I thought I could work, I push myself all the time with shit like this.

I had a really conflicted relationship with my mom. A lot of grieving right now has to do with all the missed chances there were. & why she wasn't a better mom, & whether or not we could've done better than we did.

If I hadn't started following this gal I wouldn't have known what I was seeing & what mom was going through: https://www.youtube.com/@hospicenursejulie

Fwiw I'm seeing folks' condolences - I don't know that I'll be able to respond to everyone, just know that I see you & appreciate it so very much. Thank you. <3 <3 <3

Dad & I were with her when she died.

If you've never seen anyone actively dying, it's rough.

Sometime after her fall she was given Valium to help calm her agitation. It worked - but she probably aspirated at some point. And then it was all over. She started actively dying from that point.

3rd day, she was unresponsive & apneic. Memory care called 911 & sent her to the local ED. She never really left.