Yeah, I'm sick of doing shit alone.
That's out of left field. The basics: I'm here at a family home putting the place together for a belated Xmas dinner. Nothing hard, not too many people, so that's OK, it's not like a party for 40 people or something.
I also tried to do a bit of decorating tho'. Like put up holiday lights & some stuff like that. & already got food prep done. & had a 3-hour IOP session. & my back just went out. & the front toilet plugged up & I don't know why, there wasn't a damn thing in there.
I'm doing this shit all by myself. & I can't do it anymore today bc of my back - I'm now in a ton of pain, about 7/10 on the pain scale. & I'm doing it ALONE.
I am SO. FUCKING. TIRED. of doing shit like this alone.
Been thinking a lot about emotional labor & boundaries & being taken for granted & how happy a looooooot of ppl are to just sit back & let *someone else* (me, for this particular sitch) do all the work.
I'm starting to resent my partner about it.
Partner's an adult & gets the idea of emotional labor & all that stuff. Most of the time they're awesome - like we're adults & nobody has to complain about the stack of dishes in the sink because in our case we both know it's dirty, we're just... physically broken.
They're broken, too. My body gave out & their brain - they have a TBI. They're exhausted a lot of the time. & they're not here bc they have a med appt. tomorrow that they've waiting 8 months for. It's not like the don't have a good reason not to be here.
They're just... *not here*. Nobody's here. None of my friends I invited, not my family (who are all doing their own thing tonight), not my partner, no one. It's just me. I fucking hate it. It's so terribly *familiar*.
I mean, the specifics of *this* particular evening are that I volunteered for this, so I can't really blame anyone for the situation I'm in. So that's not what my rant is about. It's more like it's a larger, decades-old pattern, that I do soooo much stuff alone that I either need help with, or wish that there was someone around who wanted to do this sort of stuff with me. Like cook a family dinner & put up some tinsel or some shit like that.
@Impious_Jade Well, don't overthink it and don't beat yourself up over it. You can't change everything overnight. But you might take small steps to get others to help when you need it. I understand the aloneness very well.
I dunno. There's a lot of tangled threads in here to pull on. Mostly I'm just alone & need help & there isn't anybody here, & that is just SUCH a common pattern throughout my entire life.