This adventure I've been having with the pharmacy & insurance co. is part of what living with #depression looks like.
#depression is a whole-body disease. It isn't just mood, tho' mood is usually affected too. For me the mood issue is a combo platter of either crippling, weepy lability or absolutely deadened, endless gray apathy. It's like living in a fog, going through the motions, not really giving a shit about anything because you literally *can't*.
#depression hits your whole body though. & it's different for everybody. Some people have a lot of physical pain with it, others don't. Some gain a lot of weight, others lose. Some have anxiety along with it, others don't. Some have fatigue, others have insomnia, still others have both. (I have both, WHEEEEE SO FUCKING FUN.)
There are about a bazillion meds on the market nowadays to treat it, & finding the right med for #depression is a bit like Russian roulette, in that if you get the wrong med there is a non-zero chance that it'll make you suicidal, or make any present suicidality worse.
Some #depression is completely intractable. Some is highly treatable. Some is short-term or short-lived, especially if it's a reaction to some traumatic or painful thing that happens to a person - like grief that gets stuck.
Mine's intractable. I've been on probably over two dozen meds (including supplements) in the past 40 years. Some worked for a while then stopped, some never worked, some were great, buuuuuut....
#depression also affects things like executive function, including the ability to activate yourself - not sure what it's called, but just the ability to say "Hm, I'mma do this thing" & then just *get up* & do that thing.
There's a name for that activation thing. It isn't motivation either, it's something slightly different. Tho' #depression does also impact motivation for a lot of people too.
& people who have never had #depression have no goddamn clue what it's like to live with. No. Goddamn. Clue.
Which is tremendously frustrating.
I'd love to get an ADA accommodation for work for depression, for instance. I work at a hospital, & even there, in a workplace FULL of people who know what psych issues are like, it's hard to get any kind of accommodation in place for an invisible disability like #depression.
It's especially fun telling someone you have #depression, & they immediately respond with "Huh... you don't LOOK depressed."
I actually got that from one of the DOCTORS I work with.
Am I supposed to "look" a particular way, if I have #depression? Really? OK, what does that look like?
Is it that I haven't had a bath for a week because I can't? Do you notice my greasy hair? How about the shitty breath I have because I haven't brushed my teeth because I'm spending too much mental energy just trying not to unalive myself while my latest med kicks in?
And the irony is, nobody really WANTS to know what #depression "looks like": people really don't want to deal with someone who's a total downer. They don't want to see sadness or low mood or someone who can't cope from day to day with the struggles #depression entails. It's too inconvenient or upsetting or disruptive for them. So I dunno about anybody else, but I got REEEEEAAAALLLY good at hiding it.
@Impious_Jade
It becomes frighteningly easy to hide depression, especially when most people assume you aren't depressed unless you're wearing sweatpants and sobbing all the time.
I hope people who aren't dealing with depression read and learn from your thread. Thank you for speaking hard truths. Sending massive hugs your way.
@Impious_Jade I think this is a core issue well described.
@TheresaVermont Thanks. I know there's a term for it, I just can't remember it.
@Impious_Jade Even without the label, you described the feeling so accurately.
...they were great until my insurance co. decided to stop covering them, or I lost my job, or moved, & had to start all over again with new docs & new meds & new insurance (or NO insurance). #depression