My mum was more the centre of it. In some respects, I think I kind've got let off a bit lightly, really - being his child, there was some -quite messed up paternal love involved.

In some respects, that makes things more difficult to process - it brings in human failings so you can't write everything off as "evil" or "cruel" whatever.

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I suppose that's the Nazi lesson, in a smaller scale, and one I'm being very careful about comparing it to.

The will and ability to be cruel to others is a human thing. It's not like horror movies where there's some external evil force, it's about what lies in most people and it's mostly born from insecurities.

Which means that if you're going through anything similar, you're not alone.

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As I've said before, I'm no expert on all this. I'm still figuring it all out for myself.

But if you want a chat, let me know. If you have a Pro account, you can start a DM with me. If you don't, ask me to start one and I will.

@66ALW99

After my monster father finally died (at the age of 90), I discovered that a helpful mantra was "He's dead and you're alive."

It doesn't unwrite the past but it does help define the present and future.

@BenA It does and I gotta say, I felt much the same when I heard my dad had died.

What I'm finding now is that, though I thought it was all over and done with when he died, there are still aspects of that time that I'm only just realising how they've been affecting me in current friendships and relationships.

But all our experiences are different and I'm sincerely glad if you've found a point where you can put everything behind you :)