#FirstCoffeeThoughts

Was reading about DJ Akademiks going off in a rather unhinged, explicative-filled rant when someone rather innocently mentioned #ErykahBadu to him the other day.

Something cracked open in him that he held for 5 years and all this absolutely foul stuff just started spilling out of him like some kind of volcano ...

It was both fascinating and also triggering for me.

1/

I've been on the end of PTSD related negativity so much in my life. The vomit of people's problems and unresolved traumas always ends up splattered on me because something I say reminds them of something that have never addressed or resolved.

Those triggers are the landmines they have littered their psyche with for however many years because they don't know how to deal with trauma, were in trauma denial, or in some cases didn't even realize how badly they were traumatized.

2/

𝘐 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘧𝘢𝘮. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 𝘐 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘰 𝘪𝘯 𝘫𝘦𝘴𝘵, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘦𝘥, 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦’𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱-𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘶𝘮𝘢. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘬𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘴𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘥. - Erykah Badu

But Queen ... you can NEVER know how someone is going to process something. Careful? Even benign things can cause madness because people live in different realities.

3/

I say this CONSTANTLY ...

You can NEVER understand people.

https://thewebrecluse.com/you-can-never-understand-others/

You can NEVER understand someone else's reality that they live in. You can NEVER know the dictionary that people primarily rely on (and I don't even mean non-Black people having no understanding of the nuances and meaning of AAVE) I mean everyday words that people have #PreferredConnotation for.

You can NEVER know any of those things. Being "careful" has nothing to do with it.

DJ Akademiks is UNWELL.

4/

He has probably been dealing with various levels and PTSD for most of his life and no one has ever thought to try and help him nor has he felt he needed help. He, like MANY people, bottles things up or tries to act strong or - more likely since he's a Black man - is afraid of seeming vulnerable or weak when his feelings are hurt so he holds it in for 5 years until the mere mention of a woman's name sends him into a spiral of anger. He doesn't need people to be more "careful". He needs help.

And here's the thing ... if you watch the video from 5 years ago where the incident happened ... (he got TROLLED) there is no indication that he was put out or upset about what was said ... there was levity. Who knows how long it took him to develop trauma from it? Maybe because people kept reminding him of it? Maybe because he was hurt in the moment but was afraid to be honest about it? Who knows? Who can EVER know? The fact is ... 5 years of pain and hurt looks like a volcano erupting.

It's so close to the surface for him that her NAME is an explosion ... for everyone else they have to go and dig back into the archives from 5 years ago to even have an inkling what he is going off about ...

HIS REALITY is very different from everyone else's, even from those involved in the EXACT same incident. Even in one room everyone is experiencing a DIFFERENT REALITY. They hear, see, understand, and process COMPLETELY differently.

You can NEVER understand people.

@thewebrecluse After my grandfather died I took my mother to see one of the Shrek movies. Harmless, right?

Well the king dies in a 'comedic' fashion. He won't die quietly, keeps drawing another ragged breath. The audience howled with laughter.

But that was exactly how her dad died and it traumatized my mom. Years later, when she had Alzheimers, she thought people HAD laughed in the hospital.

I sometimes still wonder if I should have known better. But I hadn't seen the movie or Karki's death.

@Myana I once had a friend who I invited over and we all watched that Meg Ryan rom-com "French Kiss" and this girl proceeded to have a complete melt down after everything that happened to Meg because of her shit husband ... just talking over the movie, sucking her teeth, going on about bad men and bad relationships and how awful men are. She had a rough time with men in her life CLEARLY but it was unreal the kind of breakdown she had and we were all just ... stunned into silence.

@Myana I ended up turning the movie off and I said "how about we watch something else. this doesn't seem like a good selection" and she blew up on me ... like full rant, tears, throwing hands in the air ... why are you turning it off? what is the problem? I can't have an opinion about the movie? I can't express myself? Its fine. Its fine lets just watch it. Turn it back on ..." etc etc. I sent her unwell ass home and we never spoke again.

@Myana You can't ever know what someone is experiencing or HOW they are experiencing it or WHY they are experiencing it that way ... you cannot read people's minds and you can't make assumptions about what may or may not have an effect on them. When something happens you can only apologize because you didn't know ... and then it's up to them to get the help they need to process, grieve, work through etc whatever it is. It's not on you. You can't know everything. It's not your fault.

@thewebrecluse I know you're right. Mom didn't blame me, and I did apologize. But it's hard. When Alzheimer's took almost everything away from her, the trauma from that silly movie still lingered, darkening her memories.

I'm sure that part of the problem is that, as a woman, I've been raised to think that keeping everyone happy is MY job. If someone's angry or unhappy, that's on me. 😑

Some days it's depressing to realize how long it takes to process childhood trauma & social conditioning!

@Myana

Like I said ... help. People need help. They need support. They need understanding of how to process things in a healthy way. They need help understand how trauma effects them and how it takes away their quality of life. People need help, awareness, mindfulness, education even on their own mental health.

It's not your job to try and figure everything out for everyone else or read everyone's mind and act accordingly. I can PROMISE you that it's not.

@thewebrecluse
❤️ Sadly my Mom always thought that the best way to deal with 'unpleasantness' was to forget it.

Which never truly works.

@Myana None of anyones trauma is on you Jenny ... don't take that on and don't blame yourself for not knowing what is going on in someone's mind, body, and soul. It's up to people to express their truth to you ... to be able to share their pain and feel safe enough to do so. It doesn't have to be articulate or perfectly crafted or even fully understood to be shared. But no one can know what is going on with someone else unless communication happens.

@thewebrecluse That's a good way of looking at it. I often assume that my mother was complaining. Years of domestic abuse taught her to express things in an oblique, minimalist way -- and only when the pain was too great for silence. Her post-Shrek comments sounded like that.

But maybe she was just trying to explain why she was being so different from everyone else. Maybe she was trying to talk about her own pain.

I can't know. And that second option is much healthier for me!

@Myana Different dictionaries ... In my communications class I always said that probably THE largest obstacle in communication across different realities is that there is no shared vocabulary for expressing emotions ... and most people don't even know the NAMES of the emotions they actually feel.