#FirstCoffeeThoughts

Learning to say "no", learning to put myself first, learning to value myself and my place in the world took way too long.

I always set myself apart from others because I was way different than my peers not only in how I saw the world around me, but also how I understood how other people saw it. In middle school I went though some ... terrifying revelations about reality that nearly landed me in a "facility" before finding my footing and learning to navigate it all.

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According to my journals I was 12 when I first started noticing that everyone had their own realities that they lived in and that there was no amount of LOGIC that could ever connect them to one another. I believed that being the best person I could be, across ALL of those realities was the best way to live ... the best way to avoid conflicts and other people's madness; if I was the same person to all people ... of course that was naive and ridiculous ... because people are ... not well.

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𝘐𝘧 10 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 3 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶? 𝘖𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘪𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺? 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦’𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵. 𝘛𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥, 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦.

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I've talked about this before ...

https://thewebrecluse.com/so-who-are-you-really/

... in trying to find the best and most even space between everyone's individual realities I turned into someone who was striving to be as consistent as possible under all circumstances ... very little code switching (except with Black people) and no adjustments to my core self around different people. Just WYSIWYG to the entire world with no variations.

So, if people disliked me then it was consistent and easy to track why.

4/

I was around the same age ... maybe 13 or 14 when I realized that, as I stated, in everyone's reality, you appeared completely different. Even with the same attitude, the same behaviors, the same treatment of others ... people saw you through their own LENS ... their own biases and madness and twisted perspectives. I found this so beyond fascinating and terrifying in middle school ... it really shaped and broke me in some ways but that revelation completely changed my view of myself too.

5/

It also changed my perspective of how I also saw people's behavior and I began to be able to perceive all the masks and walls that people hid behind and all of the ways they tried to mask the true colors in their hues and manipulate their Psychopasses etc ... anything to appear differently from what their actual core was. I came to understand that they believed their own roleplay as well, that it was even necessary for them.

My peers were terrifying ... Teenagers are sociopaths on a GOOD day.

Learning to protect my peace and separate myself from toxic people and environments started EARLY, but it took me a long time to truly understand that changing someone else's reality and perception of you in their reality was IMPOSSIBLE. No amount of consistency, truth, or positive effort can break through a wall someone has put up to protect themselves from the truth of the world or anyone else's. Trying to reason with people who are disconnected from any semi-global reality is futile.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧; 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘷𝘢𝘨𝘶𝘦 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢 𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 … 𝘛𝘰 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 … 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘛𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 … 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵.

𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘯𝘰 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

Watching how different people reacted to the exact same behavior or information presented, seeing how different realities shaped their reactions etc. In my communications class I was always teaching how it's like that game of telephone ... how people take in information through all their different lenses and biases and hangups and traumas ... and then spit out their version of whatever it was they took in. It will be different for every single person, and you cannot change that. Ever.

The ONLY way to change someone's individual reality is for them to change it themselves. You can't alter, convince, or force someone to see the world differently from how they have learned to shape it for their own protection and understanding. That is their life, their reality, their personal kingdom they have made to survive and make sense of life. You can't breach those walls ... talking, lecturing, pleading, complaining ... useless. It's impenetrable from the outside. Don't waste your time.

Walls that protect frightened people from using higher order thinking skills or seeing a semi-global truth are not meant to be penetrated from the outside.

They can be REINFORCED from the outside by similar energy ... but they can't be DESTROYED by opposite energy from the outside.

When the reinforcement energy stops flowing in ... when the person on the other side of that wall realizes they are alone in their reality and perceptions ... the wall begins to crumble for many.

You can't force someone to question their reality ... only they have the ability to question and alter themselves. Their will. Their desire to change. Not yours or anyone elses.

Stop arguing with people who hide behind walls that protect them from truth. You'll succeed in doing nothing but causing them to reinforce behind it.

Stop wasting your energy on futile things.

Life is way too short for that nonsense and your life, as a positive, forward focused person, is too valuable to waste on pointless pursuits.

Others are waiting for your light.

Others who are not behind walls and who need support and reinforcement to survive this mad world.

Help THEM.