@thedisasterautist that was me gradually disintegrating during my marriage. Once I divorced, though, the joy and laughter all came back.
@Liliki: It isn't a matter of memories 'ruling me' for me. It's ongoing experience, though experience has allowed me to see things coming down the pike and see them accurately, even occasionally head them off at the pass.
This is a common situation for autistics. It's like knowing where most of the mines are but not all of them and still having to traverse the field.
@thedisasterautist yeah, my trauma started in childhood but as an adult, getting married, I felt I could get better. He chose to destroy me. After my divorce it took a decade for me to heal. I still have the memories but they don't rule me.