@thedisasterautist that was me gradually disintegrating during my marriage. Once I divorced, though, the joy and laughter all came back.
@Liliki: That was kind of taking place during my marriage, but it had started years before when I was still in public school. And it has never really much desisted. I mean IRL, not online. I have likened it to having to shift down and drive in second gear most of the time.
@thedisasterautist yeah, my trauma started in childhood but as an adult, getting married, I felt I could get better. He chose to destroy me. After my divorce it took a decade for me to heal. I still have the memories but they don't rule me.
@Liliki: It isn't a matter of memories 'ruling me' for me. It's ongoing experience, though experience has allowed me to see things coming down the pike and see them accurately, even occasionally head them off at the pass.
This is a common situation for autistics. It's like knowing where most of the mines are but not all of them and still having to traverse the field.