It's bad that I saw the Google Doodle with the American flag this morning and my first flash thought was "Uh oh. Google's gone MAGA" before I remembered the date.

I'm about to tell a bunch of jokes dumping on the Catholic church in an Irish bar because I like to live on the edge.

Fun weekend performing at Alameda Comedy Club with these nutballs. Me, Maija DiGiorgio, Matt Lewis, Jamar Pitts. Photo bomb by Stool. Couldn't have done it without him.

You'd think Ticketmaster would have their act together by now and not break everytime a big tour goes on sale. But nope.

Have a video call with my doctor this morning. Going to sit in my office in my underwear for 20 mins before just to get the real experience.

I had to use a capo twice today and I feel dirty now. #guitar

Maybe Tucker should go get one of those jobs he's always worried about immigrants taking.

America right now is like a bank robber announcing "Look over there while I rob this bank" and everyone actually looking over there.

I need to see a construction company use the slogan "We screw anything that's not nailed down."

I regularly think about the fact that Dan Quayle misspelled potato and it ended his political career.

I know the world is getting crazy and riled up again today. But I'm out here trying to convince a roomful of college kids that I'm cool and they should give me money to tell jokes.

Heard a spoken word artist tonight that ended every poem by yelling "POEM!"

And I probably laughed harder than I should have...

If my enemies wanted to take me out they could just keep having pizzas delivered to my house. I would keep burning the roof of my mouth until the hole reached my brain.

Did I just meditate or take a 20 minute nap sitting upright? That's for me to know and no one to find out.

Mandalorians have children.

Mandalorians never take their helmets off.

Mandalorian sex: Clunk Clunk Clunk.

I had chocolate cake for breakfast and cheesecake for dinner. So today is a win.

On this day last year everyone was like "OMG! Today is 2222!"

This year... Not a peep.

For that person you know who's waaaaaay too into sports.

A live performance of the track from "Do Your Believe In Tragic?" - the world's shortest concept album.

Hear the whole 18 minute, 30 song album at https://link.roadsideattraction.com/tragic

#cosomusic #cosocomedy

There's a brand new dance craze sweeping the nation!

Live performance of the song from my new concept album "Do You Believe In Tragic?" - Listen at https://link.roadsideattraction.com/tragic

Follow the story of Him and Her as they fall madly in love, get bored, do hella crimes, split up... and then things really go off the rails.

Just 2 days until my new concept album "Do You Believe In Tragic?" is released! 🤩

Click play ▶️ on the video below to hear the moment he becomes infatuated with this very complex woman. 👱‍♀️

And join me Thursday night 1/5 for a livestream release party 🎉 at 7:30pm PT! https://team.philjohnsoncomedy.com/word-salad-livestream

I'll perform some songs from the album and tell you the story of how it accidentally came together. 😉