My dad is not a nice person, and on top of that, he fell down the Q-hole and every conspiracy train there was.
He's dying, slowly. He's still walking and talking but he's skin and bone, not eating, sleeping a lot. All the things I saw happen with my grandfolks in the months leading up to their own deaths. He has pulmonary fibrosis and was given 2-5 years, that was 3 years ago. He's forsaken treatments (evil pharma) and stopped seeing doctors earlier this year after a blood cancer scare.
I just don't know how to feel about it. He's my dad but he also sucks. He wasn't a great father, if he could have pretended he wasn't a dad, he would have. He spoke frequently of how much he hated mum and wanted a divorce but couldn't afford it (& seeing her not cope over his withering away makes me angry from that). But I don't think I should feel nothing.
@gabzi3la My dad is similar and on his way out too. My mother always used to say something along the lines of don't say something ugly because you don't know if it'll be the last thing you say to someone. That's been heavy on my mind. He's a terrible person who was terribly abusive but maybe two wrongs don't make a right.
@gabzi3la Meaning I could say a bunch of terrible things to him but it wouldn't accomplish anything and I'd probably just feel worse.
@Jess yeah I can relate to that. There's not a lot of nice I want to say to Dad, so my mouth has been shut apart from daily trivialities when called for. I think I do that more for Mum than for me though. Keep her happy.
@gabzi3la i touched on this in my other reply to you, where it turns out i'd already pretty much processed the loss before he even died so when he finally did go I didn't feel much of anything at all. i'm sad about what could have been but never was.
this resonates, for me:
"I tried hard to have a father
But instead, I had a dad
I just want you to know that I
Don't hate you anymore
There is nothing I could say
That I haven't thought before"
(Nirvana, Serve the Servants)
@grabzi3la
Be sure to tell him you love him. As often as you can. For your benefit in the future.
His choices are his choices, ill advised as they are.
@gabzi3la only you know what will work for you but feeling nothing is ok. why do family get a pass on treating their kin badly? I don't have an answer but it's always puzzled me.
@gabzi3la I had similar feelings about my own father, who died in ‘18. It’s OK to have those feelings.🤔😉😊
@gabzi3la
please attend any feelings that you experience
please be kind to yourself and know that he is you, in essence