Haaaa so okay, I finally bit the bullet and had a professional resume reviewer go over my resume and they suggested a ton of edits, so instead, I had a new one built from scratch from a resume builder website. Submitted like 6 applications with it to see how long it would take to get a good response.
2 hours! And now I have an interview tomorrow for a job I've been trying to get for like 17 years.
And I have a killer brand new cover letter.