Actual disordered eating Show more
I use the CW for fasting commentary so as not to stress out folks with eating disorders (though my Ramadan experiment was different), but I'm starting to realize that I do have *one* disordered behaviour of my own:
Binging like a squirrel in the fall, after a stressful run-in with someone on the street.
Yesterday a neighbour I don't know burst into tears at me, while I was coming home with groceries. His mother had just died, and he tried to latch onto me in grief.
1/2
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Amid his sobbing I made out that he saw me on the street being so nice, and couldn't I please just sit with him for a while because he had no one and his mum had just died, and he didn't know what he was going to do about all the costs.
Now, I got myself out of that mess with great courtesy for a clearly struggling human being...
But then I went home and just ate and ate.
And I've done this before. Not a useful coping mechanism!
So, I have some work to do on myself.
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@MLClark I can relate, as when I am stressed I go straight for the pretzels, and everything else.
My mom and I share that, but it's a struggle that I've never been able to fully overcome.
It's weird because eating has always bothered me. I know I have to eat to live, that life comes from death, all of that, but it bothers me that i have to take.
But stress me out and I'm the devourer of worlds...
I know I say it a lot but I'm always here to listen.
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Oh, pretzels are a devious gateway drug! I'm glad you have solidarity from fam in the struggle. 🫂
I resonate with that conflict around food. My fasting lifestyle allows me such a sense of calm and energy - really reconnects me with when I'm actually hungry, and gives me hungers for high nutrient foods instead of processed cravings. But then it makes these stress-eats even more a site of shame: like my body's out of alignment with the world around it.
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I relate so much to this! I calorie count, and keep things on the low end. As much as I'm trying to keep in shape for my runs and stuff, it's also about optimizing, and making certain it's all for a purpose. I get my nutrition, I have a bit of a treat that's a fruit or something... And yes, the occasional pretzel or chocolate but its controlled, and purposeful.
It helps my soul be at ease.
But then I fall off the wagon and I just feel awful and revolted
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I think we're both still working on our relationship to the value of "control" in our lives.
What does it mean to want to be in control to the extent that we do? What are we worried that our "uncontrolled" selves will do in the world?
For me, the ache not to put more harm into the universe runs high; and yet, *fear* of a given behaviour sometimes trips us into self-fulfulling prophecy. We hurt ourselves in our desire for more "control" against doing harm.
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@MLClark I'd rather hurt than hurt something else by inaction or action.
I want it all to matter, all to count, and I hope to tread gently and do good in big and small ways.
There is such a drive in me for those things, and it doesn't strike me as being unkind to myself to choose a more arduous way.
I am a kind of ascetic, I guess, I don't mind my simple life with simple joys, and somewhat austere existences.
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@NiveusLepus
I too live on very little - and I have no problem with that. I'm not big on buying material items, my clothes are simple and cheap, and in Colombia my love even for buying books has significantly dried up.
My main meal these days is rice, onion, an egg, and broth, with granola as a snack, and I'm really a happy lil human.
But the shame that comes from taking *more* is definitely at odds with a life of fuller inner peace in minimalism. So, work to be done!