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I use the CW for fasting commentary so as not to stress out folks with eating disorders (though my Ramadan experiment was different), but I'm starting to realize that I do have *one* disordered behaviour of my own:
Binging like a squirrel in the fall, after a stressful run-in with someone on the street.
Yesterday a neighbour I don't know burst into tears at me, while I was coming home with groceries. His mother had just died, and he tried to latch onto me in grief.
1/2
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Oh, but for now:
NOT A FUNGIBLE SUPPORT CANADIAN.
This currency is finite, and right now would really like to be left alone a lot more. π
(So, going to be withdrawn from the world for a bit, while recharging my battery of tolerance for being around others. The world is so full of loneliness and need, but when I can't even go *a block* without tripping into demands of me, it wears on this very amicable introvert very much.)
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Thank you, Lise. π Not leaving here, but I think I'm going to stay in for the next few days. I'm just too jumpy right now.
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Oof. Previously undiscovered revelations are the "best", aren't they? They drive by and leave you with so much to unpack!
I hope you're being kind with yourself as you process your own. π«
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I don't think we affirm one another enough for how HARD all that work can be in the best of times, let alone with *gestures at the state of the world* - so I'm just going to say it: I'm super proud of you and thankful for all the work you've been doing to grow into a deeper understanding and love of your brilliantly messy self.
Well done, you! πͺ It matters so, so much.
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Hard to put on that oxygen mask when someone catches you mid-sob while your hands are literally full of rice, eggs, and other groceries. π But I hear you, and I thank you for that gentle nudge. All warmth to you in turn, Bent. Hope you're having a decent day.
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It hurts. You have empathy. But you know you can't help everyone and it hurts more
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HI NEIGHBOUR. π€
You're darned skippy about that.
Hope your own day is faring well, and that you're being super kind with yourself as you move through your world.
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@MLClark I can relate, as when I am stressed I go straight for the pretzels, and everything else.
My mom and I share that, but it's a struggle that I've never been able to fully overcome.
It's weird because eating has always bothered me. I know I have to eat to live, that life comes from death, all of that, but it bothers me that i have to take.
But stress me out and I'm the devourer of worlds...
I know I say it a lot but I'm always here to listen.
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Oh, pretzels are a devious gateway drug! I'm glad you have solidarity from fam in the struggle. π«
I resonate with that conflict around food. My fasting lifestyle allows me such a sense of calm and energy - really reconnects me with when I'm actually hungry, and gives me hungers for high nutrient foods instead of processed cravings. But then it makes these stress-eats even more a site of shame: like my body's out of alignment with the world around it.
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I relate so much to this! I calorie count, and keep things on the low end. As much as I'm trying to keep in shape for my runs and stuff, it's also about optimizing, and making certain it's all for a purpose. I get my nutrition, I have a bit of a treat that's a fruit or something... And yes, the occasional pretzel or chocolate but its controlled, and purposeful.
It helps my soul be at ease.
But then I fall off the wagon and I just feel awful and revolted
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I think we're both still working on our relationship to the value of "control" in our lives.
What does it mean to want to be in control to the extent that we do? What are we worried that our "uncontrolled" selves will do in the world?
For me, the ache not to put more harm into the universe runs high; and yet, *fear* of a given behaviour sometimes trips us into self-fulfulling prophecy. We hurt ourselves in our desire for more "control" against doing harm.
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@MLClark @NiveusLepus
I have always relied on food as comfort. Savory or sweet. I got away from it for a few years but <looks around>.
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But Graci! What else are your worshippers supposed to lay on the altar in your temple now, if you suddenly go back on wanting chocolate and ice cream in tribute?!
Think of your people! π
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@MLClark I'd rather hurt than hurt something else by inaction or action.
I want it all to matter, all to count, and I hope to tread gently and do good in big and small ways.
There is such a drive in me for those things, and it doesn't strike me as being unkind to myself to choose a more arduous way.
I am a kind of ascetic, I guess, I don't mind my simple life with simple joys, and somewhat austere existences.
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I too live on very little - and I have no problem with that. I'm not big on buying material items, my clothes are simple and cheap, and in Colombia my love even for buying books has significantly dried up.
My main meal these days is rice, onion, an egg, and broth, with granola as a snack, and I'm really a happy lil human.
But the shame that comes from taking *more* is definitely at odds with a life of fuller inner peace in minimalism. So, work to be done!
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There are much worse coping mechanisms. Now that you've coped, I have no doubt you will be back to your nutritional discipline in no time :)
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Very true! I haven't developed any truly exciting vices yet, I suppose. (Thank you, Ceorl.)
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I'm deeply affirmed to know I'm not alone with this stress behaviour. Thank you for sharing. I hope you've come to a sense of peace with your own coping mechanism - because you're right: at the end of the day, the key is simply to strive not to do more harm.
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@MLClark I completely understand the frustration ...when we do that we feel a bit guilty, but when I tried to avoid this behavior I noticed how impatient and nervous I became towards my loved ones, so I decided better to eat smth tasty and then just exercise more...π
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Amid his sobbing I made out that he saw me on the street being so nice, and couldn't I please just sit with him for a while because he had no one and his mum had just died, and he didn't know what he was going to do about all the costs.
Now, I got myself out of that mess with great courtesy for a clearly struggling human being...
But then I went home and just ate and ate.
And I've done this before. Not a useful coping mechanism!
So, I have some work to do on myself.