So I installed Ubuntu server, ran like a champ. Opened Firefox, the entire system slowed to a crawl. Eventually became unusable and would just reload the login screen repeatedly.
Installed second GPU while I was troubleshooting all that noise and now my entire system is dead. Won't power on.
I'm REALLY hoping it's just the power supply because that's what I'm going to go get.
@MrGoat something funky is afoot. That much is for certain.