Really quick review for those who missed this in kindy:
Sexuality -> inherent attraction to other people that makes you want sex with them (No is a valid option here). This is who you are, no thought required.
Sexual Partner(s) -> the person or people you are having sex with. This is a choice.
People do not become magically Asexual if they are not actively having sex with someone.
A bisexual or pansexual does not magical become straight or gay because they have one sex partner. They are still bi/pan, they are simply choosing to only pick one person right now.
"But you're married! You can't be Bisexual!"
They married someone they love spending time with. That doesn't mean they've stopped looking at every pretty adult on the TV going, "Mmmm... hot."
@LianaBrooks I don't get that argument. If you are heterosexual and get married, that doesn't stop you being heterosexual. You will presumably still be wired to be attracted to the same gender, while also (ideally) still remaining married to your spouse.
@AskTheDevil I hear it more in the form of "You can't be asexual if you're married." because I'm Ace. And I realized I was Ace a good ten years into my marriage.
I like sex well enough, but I never look at another person and think about sex. I don't see a butt or tits as anything other than a body part. It excites zero part of my brain.
But I'm married! So people assume it's a lie.
It's the same with bisexuals.
@AskTheDevil Aces, Bis, and Pans get a lot of the same rhetoric (which is a variant of anti-trans rhetoric) that insists your sexuality should be monosexual and unchanging.
It's not useful in any way, but people are convinced having a partner proves we were only experimenting with the other. As if choosing to have sex with someone erases everything else.
@AskTheDevil I really do wish I'd realized I was Ace as a kid. Because I was told you had Straight, Gay, or Bi and I bought into that. I didn't have strong feelings for everyone, and everyone told me I was Straight, so I could not understand why anyone would go out of their way to be gay. Why do all that work when liking anyone took effort?
@AskTheDevil I had a Designated Crush in school. I listened to what people thought, picked a random Hot Guy off a list, and said I had a crush on them because it was expected. It was part of the To Do list of growing up.
And I thought everyone was the same. That they were working to have these big feelings and swoon over people because they thought that's what love looked like.
@AskTheDevil Realizing I was Ace and that what I loved about my husband was his kindness and his intelligence and his personality, not his body, shifted everything. Because I realized the other people weren't faking it. Which meant they were picking Gay vs Straight.
It made me a much better person once I realized I was on a totally different spectrum than a lot of people.
@LianaBrooks And as if discovering what really works for you over time, instead of all at once, in some "a ha" moment is less valid a journey.