I'm really curious about the toxic trait of centering oneself in things that don't concern you. This seems to be a trait almost exclusive to white men but I have kind of seen it occasionally with white women ... rarely though.
I learn a lot from people that I know in a variety of professions. I'm big on asking lots of questions because I love to learn from people who love what they do and are passionate about sharing / teaching.
The keyword being "ASK" ...
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In my personal dictionary there is passive centering and aggressive centering ... white people (both men and women) tend to do both. But white men especially tend to be aggressive centering types.
I think that white male aggressive centering is one of the primary reasons the Internet is 99% a cesspool. It never used to be and at my age I do remember pre-public Internet times well.
I wonder why this trait is so specific to men ... why their reality, perspectives, and knowledge is "above all".
I aggressively block both aggressive and passive centering types. I grew up in a family of toxic narcissistic self-centering people and those traits stand out to me loudly.
There are ways of sharing information with others both in your own space and also in others that doesn't have to be aggressively or passively centering.
Not everyone is asking for you to step into their space and share. It's important to know your place especially while within other people's personal or virtual space.
When I taught communications I always asked people why they didn't treat online communications in the same way they treated offline ones.
Some people had very clear reasons why they didn't consider online encounters with other people the same as offline ones ... but those answers were often about dehumanizing online presences as if they weren't real (scary though).
Some answers were more parasocial in nature as far as feeling inappropriately close or entitled to people online etc
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Would you walk over to someones table at a restaurant and start volunteering your opinions or knowledge simply because you overheard two people having a discussion in a public space? Would you do this in an elevator as well? Would you feel the need to center yourself between two people who are strangers to you and start telling them what you think about the subjects they are discussing? Is that your place? If you think it is I would deeply question why.
@thewebrecluse But social media is more like a circle of acquaintances at a book club discussing together. Except DM which is more like the private conversations you describe.
No SM has come up with a model analogous to the neighborhood pub. Where you walk over to a table and say, excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear you mention Frida Kahlo. I love her. Might I join you?
@walterbays Your example ... "I couldn't help but overhear" ... that would work in a few places but not in others. That would also be welcome in several specific type places, but then not in others.
As I said ... knowing your place in someone elses space is important.
Social media isn't a circle of acquaintances because social media is open to strangers and also allows for blocking and muting ... the controls exist because it's not a social circle unless you moderate it to be one.
@thewebrecluse True, it's not just like any real world situation. But it seems that different people have very different ideas of how others ought to behave. Sometimes you can get to know one of your SM acquaintances well enough to know what they consider polite and what rude. Sometimes you guess, and guess wrong.
Sometimes you don't care. Then maybe you open an account on Twitter or Truth Social.😉
@walterbays I think people who choose to follow me are well aware of what I expect in my feed because I state my thoughts, my rules, and my feelings very clearly at all times. Most of the people on my block list are strangers and 99% white males.
@thewebrecluse You're thoughtful that way. And still I'll get it wrong now and then. Many others don't say what they expect. E g. some expect that anything meant as 1 on 1 communication be as direct message. Others consider a DM as the rudest intrusion.
@walterbays My best frenemy Dr Song used to talk a lot about the Korean concept of nunchi / noonchi / 눈치 ... which is basically this subtle art of being able to read the air and gauge someones mood ... it's a very prized skill. But it exists because Korean culture tends to frown upon direct emotional communication, similar to Japanese culture, keeping the peace by not expressing your inside feelings. When we first met we clashed because she expected mind reading over direct communication.
@walterbays I grew up in a home that didn't believe in expression ... you were beaten for expressing your feelings. I grew into someone who doesn't keep their mouth shut and I speak my feelings clearly and honestly. As you can imagine, this created a lot of problems for myself and Dr Song who grew up in a culture and household that almost NEVER spoke about things to each other and instead lived on assumptions and repression of thoughts and feelings. Two very different realities.
@walterbays For her 눈치 was something she craved from other people because it meant she never had to speak up about what she wanted or expected and if someone simply couldn't "read her" well enough then they weren't worth her time. This was merely an excuse to not have to learn how to communicate and be able to blame any problems on the other party who didn't have 눈치 with her.
@walterbays No one can read anyones mind. No one can ever know what someones triggers are or how its best to approach them or communicate. DM or not DM or whatever. The best tactic with ANYONE is to simply ASK. Not to volunteer, not to assume, not to self-center your wants ... but to simply ASK. Like asking how someone wishes to be addressed, or what someones pronouns are, are if they want to be touched or hugged etc. 눈치 is a bullshit excuse :)
@walterbays Most people in my feed who interact with my content do so in an incredibly respectful way. Even when volunteering their thoughts and opinions, they do so without aggressively centering themselves or trying to shift the focus to their own egos. These are the kinds of people I am grateful for in my feed. Those that respect me and also want to teach other people and share their experiences. There are clear differences in how HEALTHY white males and women do this and the "others".
@thewebrecluse Sometimes something that looks like shifting the focus to yourself may be:
Wow, so sorry that is happening. I had something somewhat similar happen. Not the same and so I can't advise what you should do, but here is what happened to me, what I tried, and how that worked out. I hope this might help you in choosing your own unique response.
But in less than 500 characters it may come across:
Enough about you, let's talk about me!😉
@thewebrecluse You're a positive person. If you don't follow @nursefrombirth I suggest you take a look and consider following her. (PS - I don't know nor is it any of my business whether you follow her nor vice versa.)
@walterbays Yes exactly ... as I am often saying ... everyone lives in their own reality which is why it's impossible to understand people. You cannot hope to fully understand anyone elses reality unless you live in it with them or they spend an extensive amount of time explaining it (which I do) and even then you're still observing and listening but not living it. No one can read minds ... you have to state your rules, boundaries, needs, wants, desires etc clearly.
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