#FirstCoffeeThoughts

Last weekend @IronButterfly got to really understand all the unique workarounds I have for being an aphant that make no sense. 🤣

When you can't imagine things in your mind's eye, you have to pull from existing memory which is why many people don't know they are aphants because they think memory is the same as imagination. It's not.

Using memory like that is just using Photoshop to create new images from existing ones, but not making something from scratch.

1/

When we were reorganizing the kitchen and deciding where we wanted things to go, I couldn't picture where things might be able to go.

So if you said "wouldn't this look nice there?" or something like that, I can't say because I have no idea what it would look like there. If I have never seen it there then I cannot tell you what it would look like. If you put it there and I see it there then I can tell you 🤣

However, what I can do is tell you if something with FIT somewhere ...

2/

While we were cleaning and reorganizing, @IronButterfly was fascinated with my spacial abilities.

I can determine with really scary accuracy how something will fit somewhere like how many glasses will fit in a space that I only have to see once. If I know the size of the space and if I pick up the objects in my hand and feel them, I can tell you how many will fit in the space.

I don't imagine it ... I can just tell from the size and shapes what will fit there.

A USELESS skill.

3/

This is one of those useless skills that makes no sense to me especially considering I have dyscalculia and I cannot do any kind of complex math. It is just something I know.

I look at the space, I look at a bunch of objects, pick them up and I can tell you how many will fit. I'm assuming it's because I cannot picture things in my mind and this is a different way of kind of doing that? I have no idea.

It makes no sense that I have this skill and it bothers me because it's useless to me.

4/

I get upset often about all the different ways in which my brain DOESN'T work the way I want it to ... there's things I want to be able to do or wish I could do and simply cannot ... and then there are stupid skills I have which don't really serve me in any way except to help compensate for the learning disabilities I have.

I can't remember more than 5 things at once but I can tell you at a glance how many objects will fit into a given space with pinpoint accuracy.

That's just stupid.

5/

At one point we were stacking a drawer and I told @IronButterfly what combination of plates and pans would fit inside the drawer and she tested me by swapping out different types of containers and I could tell her what would fit and what wouldn't.

I couldn't tell her what they would look like inside the drawer, just what different combinations of things would or would not fit.

I can do this at a quick glance in seconds. No math. No imagination. Perfect accuracy.

It's not a skill I NEED.

6/

The stuff I REALLY want to do ... things that require creativity and imagination and a brain the works less ... divergently ... those things are beyond my capability.

Those things I have no tools for. Those things I can't actually learn because they require skills I don't actually have and can never learn because of how my brain works.

I struggle to write the novel I want to write but I have ridiculously accurate levels of spacial ability to make up for no imagination ...

Gee. Thanks.

7/

Do you know how hard it is to write a novel when you can't imagine anything?

Do you know how many decades I have been working on it? Literally since I was 12 and I will never finish it before I die. It's impossible.

I want to finish it more than anything. It's the only thing that is actually mine, that comes from me, that represents my ideas ... but it's IMPOSSIBLE to do with the limitations I have.

It takes forever to create, to plan, to understand.

Why can't I have THOSE skills?

There are many theories about #aphantasia ... as far as why some people have it. Many theories and studies lead to it being a trauma response similar to the way memory is shifted, blocked, and erased due to PTSD symptoms.

So my abusive parents are maybe the reason I can't write ... their madness and damage ruined so much of my life and made everything 100 times harder.

So much healing, so much therapy, so much work I had to do to UNDO what they did to me as a child and still NEVER free.

Some trauma literally causes people BRAIN DAMAGE ...

Just imagine if your dysregulation and mental illness causes a child to forever be devoid of having an ability to use their imagination. You are creating a permanent darkness in someones life that can't be undone ... It's unforgivable.

The damage that people cause to others - especially children - is unbelievably cruel. Even more so now that we know that trauma is epigenetic.

There are people who seem to just sit down at a park and write a novel every month ...

... and I can put away glasses efficiently. How wonderful for me.

My spacial ability is great. Yay.

If it isn't going to help me actually accomplish MY dreams then I really don't give a fuck at all ...

To me it's useless.

If I wanted to go work on a FedEx truck and pack walls with perfection as far as weight and size then maybe it would be helpful. But that is NOT my dream.

Not sure why I have to keep repeating this:

Your reality is not everyone's reality.

My reality is not your reality.

Something may be great and useful to you in your life but that doesn't mean it has any value to me in my life.