#FirstCoffeeThoughts

When I was in middle school, I had a breakdown and nearly ended up in a mental health facility because I was convinced I was absolutely going insane.

This was, due mostly in part to being an #aphant, a #synesthete, having some #learningdifficulties (mainly because I learned differently from others), having #SPS, and a few other things that straddled the #neurodivergent boundary. It was all fantasy back then, unknown, not researched, not acknowledged.

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This was also around the time of puberty and menstrual issues ... my #PCOS probably began around that time as it can start as early as 11 or 12 years old.

Having extremely abnormal periods and pain and being told "this is all normal" ... dealing with extreme debilitating pain at that age and not being believed or listened to etc ...

It was a nightmarish time where everyone around me was so very different from me as far as how they saw the world and their emotional and mental development.

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I was utterly alone ... completely isolated ... and made the feel like there were so many things wrong with me, so many things that not only made me different but BROKEN in the eyes of everyone I knew including my family.

It was terrifying and certainly I had ideas of unaliving myself.

My peers were sociopathic narcissists who bullied each other and in some cases inflicted psychological warfare on one another CONSTANTLY and this was considered normal adolescent behavior. It terrified me.

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There were so many reasons why I wanted to die back then ... so many reasons why I felt like I would never be able to relate to another person ever ...

The way I perceived the world was like a million times different than everyone else because of how my brain was "broken" and no one knew, not even me, and I just thought it meant I was broken even though everyone around me seemed like budding serial killers with no emotional connection or capacity whereas I had too much.

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Nowadays ... we have a lot more information about the brain and neurodiversity and women's health and all kinds of things and that makes it a lot easier to live ... but at the same time some things are still the same as far as how I understand the world around me.

Sociopaths, hatred, violence, racism, narcissism, mental and emotional dysregulation, psychological warfare, bullying, hate crimes ... these are all kind of NORMALIZED and COMMON parts of how people behave in the world every day.

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Similar to when I was in middle school, those of us who don't engage in these behaviors or call out these behaviors or expressed concern about these behaviors or try to speak out about these behaviors ... we're the ones who are somehow considered ABNORMAL or WEAK because we think it's ODD and NOT GOOD to dwell in negativity or perpetuate negativity or to cause other people harm based on things like ... pathological bias, unmanaged mental illness, or - in some people's cases - "just because".

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The difference now is that I live a very isolated and semi-safe life except for the time I choose to be online engaging in social media and that is something I can stop anytime and I have the tools to control my experience.

I'm not in the PRISON of the education system where daily I had to be trapped in an enclosed space for multiple hours a day surrounded by unwell people who scared, bullied, or didn't understand me and targeted me. Where there was nowhere safe, not school or home ...

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I spent decades of my life being told I was the one who was broken, who was not normal, who was weak, and who needed to change and fit in better to society.

I spent even more of that time being told I was stupid, too sensitive, too disrespectful, too loud, too full of ego ...

And even still to this day being told I think too much, talk too much, care too much ...

The problem is still always me and never others. I am the one who has to change to fit the world, never others.

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𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘦𝘳.

That's something my father has said to me on more than one occasion.

And my mother used to say

𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘮𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘶𝘱𝘴𝘦𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳.

It's weird how both of those sentences essentially advocate wilful ignorance as a survival skill.

Is that how they got through their lives as well? Is that how most people do?

Just by choosing not to see or care?

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My parents were indeed advocating ignorance and weakness but ONLY for me.

They wanted to control me. They wanted to hinder my observations of their behaviors, their failings, their weaknesses.

They wanted me to not see, to not speak up, to gaslight me and make me question myself.

That what darkness does ... it makes you question what you see within it. It makes you wonder about the shadows swirling within and begin to question your sanity or your position.

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I remember writing in my diary as early as the 6th grade ... wishing that whatever made my brain able to perceive weird colors and sensations and emotional vibrations was gone.

I remember praying (when we used to do nightly prayers before bed) that I would wake up normal ... that I'd stop understanding things that a kid probably shouldn't understand.

What a horrible state to be in ...

To be in so much pain that you wish for ignorance or wish for blindness especially at such a young age.

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