#FirstCoffeeThoughts

Older people often say that they hit a point at whatever age when they just stop caring what people think or they stop caring about playing certain times of social games etc.

I hit that point before I was out of junior high and it made for a pretty horrible existence in a world that rewards you for doing exactly those kinds of things just to succeed in a world run by people who want to control you, keep you silent, keep you in the place they have designated for you.

1/

When I stopped playing those games and stopped trying to fill roles that other people decided for me ... when I started speaking my own mind ... I got cast out of lives because I wasn't conforming ... because I wasn't silent ... because I didn't agree ... and, not surprisingly, because I asked "too many questions" of those that pretended they had answers but really didn't have much other than ego.

For the longest time ... maybe into my 30s? I thought either I would change or people would.

2/

When I look back at my journals from age 11-15 ... I had a BLEAK outlook on life; on the UNCHANGING things.

I would die alone or I'd be killed by someone who hated me for existing. I wrote about this constantly solely based on how I was being treated back then.

I wasn't even able to drive and yet I was convinced I wouldn't live long because there was so much hatred and disgust towards me.

I think I believed it would change as I got older.

Of course that was nonsense thinking.

3/

As I got older things only became harder and I thought I would give in and just quit trying to be myself in a world that didn't want me to.

Or ... I thought people would stop demanding conformity and compliance ... that there would be more understanding and more lenience and more appreciation for those who walked their own path and spoke with unique voices ...

Neither happened of course ...

4/

I learned to live in isolation and silence and if it wasn't for social media I would still be ...

I use social media to ... express. To remind myself that I exist and that I have a voice still. That I am a person.

It may not seem like much for people who are not #agoraphobic, who are not housebound, who are not isolated, who are fine speaking up and being free, who are not crippled by #chronicpain, anxiety, and depression ...

But I do have to remind myself sometimes ... to try and thrive.

@thewebrecluse
You speak your truth and I find this to be so empowering. Your story, while singularly different than mine, has parallel meanings we both share. You’re an amazing person whom I’d love to be able to meet IRL. Being authentic is your strength and it encircles you. It teaches and it’s beautiful. 💜

@CherNohio There's so much I'd love to say to this ... to your kindness ... and I can't quite express it properly. I'm in a shit place for weeks now but I really find a lot of great warmth in so much of what you share. I wish I knew how to get the words that I want to come out right now ... I don't follow many here ... but I follow you. ❤️