So I'm at the Hertz rental car place at JFK at 12:30am, there's one dude working & it's pretty much a DMV-level of hassle and arbitrary requirements.

OF COURSE they don't have the car I reserved. But I'm trying to use their web app check-in to "skip the line" and that thing won't just upgrade you to whatever they do have available, which is what a human person would do.