It's been confirmed (kind of):

The doctor's notes from yesterday's consultation identify viral enteritis as the malady currently making my life so comically uncomfortable. I have been reduced to keeping track of how long it's been between bathroom visits. And some online advice for people doing prep for colonoscopies is taking on additional import: "Dab, don't wipe".

Overall, I'd comment on my current status as "shitty" but.....