When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Now I'm afraid of heights.

Handjobs could just be called beef jerkies.

What do a glory hole and a police hotline have in common?

Anonymous tips.

I tried phone sex the other day. It was terrible. My dick got caught in the "9".

I tried snorting coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

💯

RIP Lord Vader.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/celebrities/2024/09/09/james-earl-jones-dead-star-wars-lion-king/75149628007/

Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet.

Friend: Don't you mean chick magnet?

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW.

I wanted to start a ketchup empire, but in Heinz-sight, that wasn't a good idea.

"I knew you had it in you" sounds like something a TSA agent would say after a successful cavity search.

Me, on an Irish funerary airliner: "I have HAD it with these motherfucking wakes on this motherfucking plane!"

I'm going to create an online dating site for all the idiots who don't want to be vaccinated. I'm going to call it Delusions of Grindr.

I was getting ready to shower last night. I hear a noise behind me. I turn around and see this. #catsofcoso

The song "Hellfire" from Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" is the most complex song about a boner that I've ever heard.

Me: I read that book you recommended.

Friend: What did you think of it?

Me: It really made me see things differently. It gave me a lot to think about.

Friend: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Me: It's complicating my life. Don't recommend any more.

I feel so sorry for my past self. Poor him. He wasn't me.

As an autistic, I approve this.

I'm so in debt I could start a government.

Me: I have a certain amount of trepidation for the upcoming exam.

Friend: I knew exams were difficult, but I didn't think the professor would literally be drilling into our skulls for the information.

Me: That's trepanation, dumbass.

Job interviewer: "If there was a problem, how would you solve it?"

Me: *nervously* "Check out the hook and let the DJ revolve it?"