You know how a sewage pipe is designed to take the shit away from your house? The internet is the same thing, but in reverse.

Friend: What was that noise?

Me: My shirt fell on the floor.

Friend: It sounded louder than that.

Me: I was in it.

HIYAAAA! 🥷📬

New shirt for work 😂 📬

@dratino with my grandmother, every time I talked with her on the phone, the conversation would inevitably devolve into "I raised you from birth, I gave up my life for you, I did everything for you. You should do things for me, like send me gifts (money/gift cards)." I just got sick of it finally. I'm just sad that it took me 42 years to realize it.

@dratino while I appreciate your positive vibes, I don't think things will get better. I haven't spoken to my grandmother for over 2 months (she refuses to call me and I got tired of being the one to call her), and I have no idea where my mother is or how to get in touch with her anyway.

I was emotionally and psychologically abused (unintentionally) by my grandmother for over 40 years. She refuses to acknowledge the fact.

My mother has spent maybe a total of 2 years in my whole life.

So no, I won't be celebrating Mother's Day or sending anyone a card.

Comfy. #catsofcoso #caturday

Great. Now one of my sphynx cats is radioactive. #catsofcoso

I'm at the age where my back goes out more often than I do.

You call it premature ejaculation. I call it biological time saving.

Here's looking at you.

I've finally figured it out.

NBC = Nothing But Crap
CBS = Cupcakes By Satan
ABC = Assholes Be Crazy
PBS = Partly Bitten Sausage

The entire lie of religion is so massive in scope that it's going to bring down the entire mouthwash industry. #atheism #atheist

Sometimes my days are like hamsters on viagra. Doing an awful lot with very little.

Go to church? No thank you. I'd rather French kiss an angle grinder. #atheism #atheist

Went to the Denver Art Walk this evening. I was not disappointed. #cosoart #denver #colorado

Continuing the trend of religion-themed fast food joints:

Dominus Pizza.

Hit the Floor, It's Dominus. #atheism #atheist

New idea for a fast food restaurant:

Christ the Burger King.

Have It Yahweh. #atheism #atheist

One time I took a Prozac and an Ex-lax at the same time. I was in the bathroom all day, but I was happy about it.