#FirstCoffeeThoughts

I had a recent physical, my first one with my new osteopathic doctor and everything was great and she was so impressed with all of my #healthtracking and #datacollection on all parts of my mind and body.

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I was in the past on all levels and how broken, angry, unhealthy, and unbalanced I was. It took decades for me to get to the place I am now. 30+ years if I'm being honest. It was a long and frightening journey in many ways.

1/

The life changes I had to make for my own survival were drastic but absolutely necessary. But no kind of change that completely alters your body, your mind, and your life path can be anything other than drastic ... and scary.

It all had to begin with me realizing that my own life had value.

I'd spent so much of my life around people - starting with my own family - who didn't think my existence had any value except whatever they thought I should be to and for them. I was barely a person.

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I always knew who I wanted to be as a child, I just never had the freedom or opportunity to explore it without abusive consequences until I was able to get out on my own.

But even then, I ended up in relationships and friendships with people who were unhealthy themselves and who saw me as just a means to an end or a punching bag for their own issues and I allowed it ... because I thought being a good person meant understanding and forgiving EVERYONE and putting myself LAST.

3/

It took me a long time to really grasp the idea that it was good to be someone CAPABLE of understanding the pain and suffering of others and how that lead to them becoming who they were (I'd done the same work for myself so why not extend that to others) but that I needed to examine why I felt the need to endure other people's Hell simply because I'd been able to survive my own growing up.

Didn't I deserve rest? When was it my time to have peace and quiet and a chance to thrive?

4/

Being a HSP #synesthete didn't help in this process either 😂

I was highly attuned to other people ... too much so in fact.

My ability to feel, absorb, and understand how other people felt was in overdrive most of the time and of course, since these were gifts the Universe had given me, I felt like there was a reason for it ... that I should pay attention more and take on more.

I had grown up with no understanding or empathy for from people so I felt I should give a lot to others.

5/

It took way too long for me to realize that all the mental and spiritual energy I was giving away was leaving NONE for myself.

My life force ebbed away ... my health was failing from all the stress and other people's abuse and negative energy ... and I finally had to look seriously at the reality of my life and ask ...

Where do I even fit in all of this? Why am I not putting myself first? Why do I feel like my life and my dreams are less important than other people's?

So I changed.

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To others even now I seem very selfish and self-focused in a negative way because I give other people LESS attention than I give myself ...

It doesn't surprise me that people who saw me as a tool or a receptacle for all their garbage would be offended by my turning my focus away from them and more towards my own health and well being. Of course to them it seems selfish and self-absorbed when it's actually the opposite.

SelfNESS and selfISHness are not remotely the same thing at all.

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SelfNESS is putting yourself first so you can be as healthy and balanced as possible so you can be your best self for the sake of others. It is, in fact, being considerate of other people by making sure you can give your best energy outwards and fill people's lives with healthy positivity and not flood the world with the negative and dark energy that comes from being an unhealthy person.

SelfISHness is focusing solely on yourself at the expense of other people.

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