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If you enjoy watching someone playing a videogame rather than playing it yourself, then this is the movie for you. If you like videogame cutscenes more than the actual gameplay, then you’ll love this movie. And if your fantasy is to become flesh-and-blood downloadable content, then this movie is your ultimate wish fulfillment wet dream.

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JP  

The Nomads is yet is another entry in the never-ending saga of the real-life teacher who saves a handful of underprivileged boys, although in this case the avenue of salvation is a sport with all the health risks of football and none of the safety equipment.

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JP  

Titanic II was not a sequel to the James Cameron film, but a movie about a second ship with that name. That’s just asking for trouble. It’s like being pope and calling oneself John Paul II.

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JP  

The Killer gives The Virtuoso a run for its (blood) money for the ‘Most Stultifying Interminable Inner Monologue in a Hitman Movie’ award.

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JP  

Still Here is about the lengths to which a woman will go to flout the terms of a prenuptial agreement, including faking her own death.

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JP  

Outlaw Johnny Black finds co-writer/director/star Michael Jai White in rare comedic form, but the movie could stand to be more Blazing Saddles and less Django Unchained.

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JP  

All originality and innovation have been drained from Poe’s prose and poetry, and replaced with a poor imitation that doesn’t even rise to the level of pastiche.

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JP  

Of Adam Sandler and Woody Harrelson, who would have thought that the former would star in a better basketball movie? Or, you know, a better movie, period.

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JP  

Butcher’s Crossing isn’t terribly original, but it steals from only the best, and the resulting landlocked seafaring yarn is as counterintuitive as it is synergetic.

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JP  

Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes they happen to horrible people like the characters in The Rental; this is the rare horror film where identifying with the killer isn’t all that morally reprehensible.

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JP  

How are we supposed to take seriously a film wherein the female lead is an actress starring in a horror flick directed by Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart?

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JP  

Jesse Ventura has described pro wrestling as “ballet with violence.” In Assassins Run, however, ballet is violence — a devastating martial art only slightly more ridiculous than gymkata.

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JP  

With so much careless, repetitive writing, the people who penned this screenplay could certainly have used a scriptwriting whisperer.
    
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JP  

The Slumber Party is an 80-minute psychotic break — a TV-PG Disney movie that is also, for all intents and purposes, a sanitized-yet-still-transparent unofficial remake of The Hangover. Whoever thought this was a good idea should go on a 12-step holiday.

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JP  

The movie just assumes that Diana Nyad did what she says she did, while simultaneously ignoring the dissenting voice of reason. In one fell swoop, the filmmakers have gone from documentarians to hagiographers.

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JP  

Did God command writer/director David Helling to make His Only Son? And if so, couldn’t He have changed His mind at the last minute? It’s downright mystifying that in the third decade of the 21st century a movie is still selling this Binding of Isaac bullshit as something even remotely positive.

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JP  

Instead of churning out yet another insipid romance, Fingernails would have done well to truly embrace the farcical and even surreal possibilities suggested by its premise. Better an over-the-top comedy than an underwhelming drama.

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JP  

Here’s a sobering thought: the difference between the outsize gorilla from Ape vs. Mecha Ape and its Godzilla vs. Kong counterpart is negligible — it’s the difference between cheap CGI and expensive, cheap-looking CGI. This Asylum mockbuster is also a lot shorter than Godzilla vs. Kong, as well as much less stupid (oh, it’s plenty stupid, but at least there’s no hollow Earth bullshit).

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Everything I Am is the rare faith-based drama that doesn’t smack you upside the head with a Bible or shove God down your throat.

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JP  

Dark Son: The Hunt for a Serial Killer looks back on the so-called Hammersmith nude murders, perpetrated by the infamous “Jack the Stripper.” At one point a likely suspect was a Scot named Mungo Ireland. And no, this is not a pythonesque mockumentary.

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