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Everyone knows how Romeo and Juliet ends, but after this version of the story, there really is no way of knowing how it will begin.

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The Need for Speed videogame, as I once knew it a long time ago, was pretty straightforward — a quality that this film adaptation is in dire need of. Technically, ‘slow’ is a speed, but if you’re going nowhere, the least you can do is get there fast.

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Dreamland is the worst possible kind of escapism. It’s one thing to go to the movies to get away from reality or to watch a movie whose characters want to get away from their reality, but I refuse to be entertained while a life of crime is being glamorized on the screen.

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Bullet to the Head stomps around like a retarded Tyrannosaurus, as if it really did have a foreign object lodged in its brain.

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During the opening credits of A Family Affair, main character Chris Cole (Zac Efron) is briefly shown as a guest on Hot Ones. If I may riff on the late, great Gene Siskel’s famous question, is this movie better than a documentary of the same actors eating spicy chicken wings?

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The movie is set in the late 21st century, but the future in which it takes place is known as post-production. The film is futuristic only in that the environment that the characters allegedly inhabit and ostensibly interact with was mostly added digitally long after the fact (and quite crudely so).

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The characters end up exploring the Catacombs of Paris, and the deeper they go, the dumber the film gets.

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Great science fiction anticipates great technology. The best that The Time Machine can come up with is to retroactively attribute the invention of the electric toothbrush to its protagonist.

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The fact that it counterintuitively steers clear of the bombastic melodrama of some of Dion’s best-known hits makes this a refreshing addition to the musical biopic genre.

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Stake Land plays like someone decided to make a mockbuster of Zombieland without the sense of humor. The result works better than it sounds, but then why wouldn’t it? Zombieland is not really funny, so it makes sense to strip away the quote-unquote comedic elements.

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Vindicta is proof that there’s still a market for increasingly dumber Se7en clones. A buyer’s market, that is. The supply is steady, but the demand is what I wonder about. Who exactly is clamoring for a Jeremy Piven-Sean Astin collaboration? Other than, presumably, Jeremy Piven and Sean Astin.

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Seize the Night is a pitch-perfect emo adolescent fantasy that will appeal to anyone who ever went through a new wave phase and pined for a sexy goth.

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Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga should have been made using practical special effects and shot on actual geographical locations, if only to achieve aesthetic symmetry with the original Mad Max films. And to render it watchable.

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This is a movie about a hunch; after more than two hours, the takeaway is not so much 'who done it' as 'who a very small and not quite persuasive group of people think done it.'

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I thought Priest would be bad, but I never imagined it would be an unholy shotgun wedding between Judge Dredd and The Searchers. The movie clearly has it in for the Catholic Church, but it’s the filmmakers who come across as retrograde fascists.

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On the surface, The International is nothing to write home about. I will give it props, though, for having a better grasp than most action flicks of how Interpol works.

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Any movie starring John Malkovich, Colin Farrell, Geena Davis, Common, and particularly Jessica Chastain is bound to have a high IQ.

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Nothing But the Truth asserts that “though inspired by actual events, the following is a fictional film that does not depict any actual people or events.” In other words, it’s a fictional film, period — no disclaimer required. If that sounds confusing, it’s because this is a very confused movie.

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JP  

The obvious point of reference set the bar so low that Even If This Love Disappears from the World Tonight superficially feels like the thinking man’s 50 First Dates; that is, of course, until you realize how little thinking actually went into its making.

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The Artifice Girl starts out pretty dumb, then it gets very intriguing, then mildly intriguing, and then it reverts to really fucking stupid.

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