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Boudica: Queen of War, yet another entry into the well-worn Ancient Britons vs. Romans genre, claims to be “inspired by events recorded by Tacitus, AD 60.” It also claims that the titular Iceni queen was indirectly responsible for Nero’s suicide. Clearly, this movie owes more to Tarantino’s brand of wanton historical revisionism than to the aforementioned Roman historian.

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The Bridge of San Luis Rey is, at its core, a sort of shaggy dog story which, like the Jarvis Cocker song, is not so much deep as it is profoundly shallow.

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Poe would doubtless deem this seedy premise distasteful, and he actually married his 13-year-old cousin.

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The good news is that Paydirt director Christian Sesma wrote a part for Val Kilmer. The bad news is that the role that Sesma wrote for Kilmer is a speaking part.

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Here’s yet another heist movie that unfolds as if it had been written by Rick Sanchez’s Heistotron.

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Robert De Niro and Christopher Walken starred in The Deer Hunter. Forty two years later they meet again in The War with Grandpa, but this time it’s the viewer who’s left wishing they could play Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver.

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Hustle is not only head and shoulders above Sandler’s usual, brain-dead fare, but is also, on its own terms, a passable entertainment (if a bit overlong) with a tendency to excel at times.

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Raven’s Hollow is an origin story for Edgar Allan Poe’s poem “The Raven” that is not only unnecessary but also really fucking stupid.

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Toilets may go backwards in Australia, but that doesn’t save True Spirit from going right down the crapper. Actually, water is not the only thing that runs backwards Down Under; when it comes to parenting, the inmates seem to be running the asylum.

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It’s common knowledge that South America has historically been a Nazi haven as well as a breeding ground for fascist dictatorships, but this movie imagines it as some sort of loosely organized Fourth Reich where everybody speaks English and/or German (even the locals).

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It is a testament to Peter Lorre’s facial versatility that he could contort his face into a rictus of dementia and corruption in M, and 10 years later but with essentially the same features, smile a sweet smile of innocence and candor in The Face Behind the Mask.

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A vegetarian, ice-breathing dragon is counterintuitive to say the least, but that’s what DragonHeart: Vengeance gives us: an oversized, computer-generated fire extinguisher.

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The Exorcist: Believer amounts to nothing but a whole lot of ‘been there, done that.’ What we’ve got here is more of the same, and it’s still less than meets the eye. The filmmakers’ idea of innovation is to have two possessed girls instead of one. Basically, this is the Look Who’s Talking Too of Exorcist films.

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The title doesn’t describe the movie’s hero so much as it does its director, producer, and co-writer. Arguably, only Johnny Depp would have the necessary combination of big balls and small brains to take on this project; sadly, a courageous goldfish could have written, produced, and directed The Brave (which wouldn’t exist without Depp’s money and ego) and the result would essentially be the same.

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The Binge scores points for not being a literal spoof of The Purge, but loses all those points and more because a parody needs to be funny, and screenwriter Jordan VanDina has neglected to write any jokes. Moreover, the premise is too naïve to work as farce.

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It’s not rocket science. Even a dumbass action flick like this one has enough sense to keep Judge Dredd fully uniformed and, more importantly, helmeted at all times. Then again, even a broken clock etc., etc.

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Some Kind of Monster was meant to be revealing, and it certainly is, but the result is not so much the ‘warts and all’ approach that Metallica was clearly shooting for as it is an unintentional ‘the emperor has no clothes’ exposé.

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If love is blind, deaf, and dumb, then The Other Zoey is a quintessential romantic comedy. Here’s a movie that claims, not unreasonably so, that romcoms “perpetuate unrealistic romantic paradigms,” only to turn around and become a generic Mistaken Identity Idiot Plot.

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It’s funny that Bill Burr’s character in Old Dads is initially implied to be 46 years old. Not funny ha-ha; more odd than amusing, given that Burr is 55 and, if anything, he looks older than his actual age — nevertheless, this is about as funny as this alleged comedy is ever going to get.

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You gotta give a movie props for stopping halfway through to give itself a review that’s pretty much (yet not quite) spot on.

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