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JP  

Cradle of Deception is a movie “inspired by true events” that culminates in a fistfight between a heroic journalist and an evil doctor — because that’s how conflicts are resolved in real life.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Ultraman: Rising is a potential manifesto for a hypothetical Kaiju Lives Matter movement.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Released just two years before Mariner 2 recorded the temperature on Venus for the first time, The Silent Star is one of the last few works of speculative fiction to portray the second rock from the Sun as potentially habitable.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Bad Country is filled with small pleasures. Like Willem Dafoe’s opening and closing narration (few sounds are as soothing as his gravelly baritone). Or Dafoe’s and Matt Dillon’s badass horseshoe mustaches. Or a cameo by the imposing Bill Duke. Or Tom Berenger’s over the top villain.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

This British TV documentary follows English actor Joe Tracini as he halfheartedly attempts to cope with borderline personality disorder while preparing a live show based on his condition. Is it me, or is that kind of hypocritical?

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Dark Harvest is a hackneyed hodgepodge (Halloween, The Children of the Corn, The Purge, The Hunger Games, and Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery all come to mind) with an Idiot Plot.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Day of Reckoning is the Apocalypse Now of Universal Soldier movies.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Trim Season’s characters are the kind of people who introduce themselves thus: “I’m Dusty, they/them.” I don’t really care about gender identity. If you’re a ‘he’ who wants to be known as a ‘she,’ or vice versa, then more power to you. Piss-poor grammar, on the other hand, that’s what I find offensive.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Greyhound is at its best when decisions are made and orders are given on the ship’s bridge. Unfortunately, the thrill of the hunt loses its impact when we peek outside and see that the Greyhound is surrounded by a completely computer-generated sea that looks like an ocean of half-congealed grape jelly.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

I won’t parrot the virtues of Face/Off 27 years after the fact. Suffice it to say, the good stuff is so good that I’d never noticed before how little sense the plot makes — and I’m not talking about the face-switching premise.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

1
JP  

The Primevals, equal parts a throwback to a golden age of special effects and an artifact from that self-same bygone era, is worthy to be called a Full Moon Feature.

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0
JP  

Sex can be a powerful subject, but it has to stand for more than the act itself; here, though, intercourse is reduced to its emptiest expression.

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0
JP  

Not much of a horror movie when a chiropractor would do just as well as an exorcist.

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0
JP  

Did we really need a secondhand retelling of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic tale as seen through the eyes of a non-canonical housemaid?

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0
JP  

I Dream in Another Language is ambitious but uneven. It has good ideas, but struggles with the execution.

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0
JP  

Hit Man is a sobering reminder that even Homer nods. Or, in this case, writer/director Richard Linklater.

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JP  

Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead is a remake of the 1991 movie of the same title but with a predominantly African American cast, the most notable exception to which is the titular babysitter. I smell a double standard.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

1+
JP  

Follows an amnesiac writer who uses her memory loss as an excuse to be a stuck-up bitch.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

Dard Divorce feels like it was made by someone who would like to make a snuff film but wanted to do a dry run first.

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0
JP  

In a nutshell, Whisper is the movie that Abigail ripped off. It’s also a movie whose main character is a Damien Thorn knockoff and which climaxes with an axe-wielding grown man chasing a little boy through the snow. There is no new thing upon the earth, as Solomon saith.

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