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JP  

Not only do the filmmakers spouse some positively wacky notions, but at the same time they lack the courage of their cuckoo convictions.

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JP  

Freelance is not without its merits. It does some things well, and it does well not to do some other things. For starters, it is set in a fictional Latin American country where people actually speak Spanish. On a related note, the filmmakers deserve praise for sparing us the Danny Trejo supporting role/cameo that seemed inevitable given the circumstances.

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JP  

There are no secret ingredients in A Royal Recipe for Love. It has the familiar, emetic taste of repeatedly reheated leftovers.

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JP  

I’ve never been a fan of either Payback or Kill Bill, and You Should Have Killed Me (the neglected foster child of those two movies) has given me another reason to dislike them.

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JP  

Junkyard Dogs may very well be the second worst decision Denise Richards has ever made, and only because marrying Charlie Sheen would be the lowest point in anyone’s life.

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JP  

Mad Heidi borrows only the name of the protagonist and (arguably) the setting. I wonder: if not Heidi, what exactly is the movie satirizing? The most likely answer is, itself — and quite unwittingly so.

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JP  

This movie is the Hallmark Channel’s belated answer to Good Luck Chuck. As such, it features a female protagonist and no sexual content. I don’t know whether that last thing makes it better or worse than Good Luck Chuck, and while I’d like to believe that any movie not starring Dane Cook is superior to any movie starring Dane Cook, this one certainly goes out of its way to prove that’s not necessarily the case.

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JP  

The problem with adapting a book into a film is that even when someone gets it right, someone else must come along to try to fix what’s not broken.

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JP  

Lift is a trifecta of bullshit. It’s as lame as you’d expect a movie that features “the world’s first heist of an NFT” to be, as underhanded and morally deficient as you’d expect a modern-day heist movie to be, and as unamusing as you’d expect a movie starring Kevin Hart to be.

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JP  

Power of the Air is so clueless and out of touch that all the supposedly sympathetic characters come across as either potential Westboro Baptist Church material or likely to join a suicide cult.

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JP  

How come it takes Paul Simon three and half minutes to sing about “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” but it takes this movie almost two hours to talk about ten overlapping reasons?
ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

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JP  

Essentially, Gran Turismo is the tale of a guy who had what it takes to make it to the pros, but hasn’t got the stuff to make it in the pros. That guy is a dime a dozen.

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JP  

I didn’t think it possible, but as Moby Dick rip-offs go, Age of the Dragons is even dumber than In the Heart of the Sea.

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JP  

Like the Church it defends (in the process ironically playing Devil’s Advocate), this film is a propaganda-spewing machine; moreover, like that same Church, the movie purports to pass its fiction off as fact.

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JP  

I can’t stop you from making yet another Dracula flick (it’s right there in the public domain), but must you shit all over one of the few that actually got it right?

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JP  

The deserted island setting is an excuse for some adult Lord of the Flies shenanigans. And by ‘adult’ I partly mean some rather tepid T&A that’s best summed up as ‘too little, too late.’

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JP  

Vampires vs. the Bronx is plastered with obvious references and allusions to the likes of Nosferatu, Salem’s Lot, and Blade. This approach is about as subtle as trying to open a can of tuna with a jackhammer.
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JP  

You know you’re in trouble when a filmmaker feels the need to justify the title he has chosen with an anecdote that has absolutely nothing to do with the movie that he has made.

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JP  

Thanks to Verotika, the Def Leppard incident is no longer Glenn Danzig’s most embarrassing episode.
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JP  

Arthur’s Whisky is about three elderly BFFs who discover an elixir of youth. It’s possible that the filmmakers were poking a little fun at the reports that whisky in moderation is good for any number of ailments; then again, the movie is otherwise terminally devoid of wit, so maybe they really do believe that whisky is a smooth-tasting panacea.

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