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JP  

With over 200 credits on his résumé — often as a vampire or vampire-adjacent —, revered German actor Udo Kier has appeared in some very good films as well as some very bad ones; Bacurau, a retarded A Sound of Thunder/The Most Dangerous Game hybrid ripoff, falls in the latter category.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

The title is the only thing that this movie has going for it, and that’s if you enjoy alliteration as much as I do. No film can be very good that contains posthumous appearances by both Tom Sizemore and Tiny Lister (who died a whole three years before this thing was released), and The Haunting of Hell Hole Mine is, accordingly, dead on arrival.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

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JP  

I never thought I would use the term Idiot Plot to refer to a film starring Annette Bening, Ed Harris, and Robin Williams, but then I had never watched The Face of Love before.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

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JP  

I’ve seen chupacabra movies before, but never one that used the imaginary bloodsucker as a patriotic symbol.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

0
JP  

S&M 2 is the rare sequel that’s at least as good as the original, and when Metallica color outside the lines, it transcends both its symphonic and metallic boundaries.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

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JP  

It takes a special strain of cluelessness to make a movie like this. The hero is an Iranian immigrant, but I guess ‘Persian Fighter’ didn’t have the same ring to it.

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JP  

This is a movie that condones kidnapping a girl with a brain tumor from the hospital, driving her through a storm to a secluded spot in the woods, and praying for a miracle.

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1+
JP  

“A black hole [is] the most destructive force in the universe.” I’d be more worried about plotholes, which can be equally damaging to an admittedly good-looking Alien/Hellraiser: Bloodline/Solaris knockoff such as Event Horizon.

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JP  

Thou shall not have a wife and a boat.

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JP  

Boiling Point feels uncannily like going out for a nice dinner at a hip little restaurant, complete with a VIP tour of the kitchen; the only problem is that you get a turd for dessert. Needless to say, that’s not kosher.

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JP  

Pinocchio dies and comes back to life several times in this film. It's just like Highlander if Duncan MacLeod were a complete fucking moron.

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JP  

If only this film were about a female skeptic investigator in post-WWI England, as opposed to a derivative The Sixth Sense/The Others hybrid knockoff with a hidden agenda.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

1+
JP  

A Million Miles Away is quite a way to go, but does it really have to take so long to get there? The movie wastes a lot of time on the hero’s formative years and still fails to establish that José Hernández is the child prodigy that it wants us to believe he is.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

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JP  

The only thing that might have saved this movie is if they had called it Love at First Flight instead. Even if Dr. Johnson was right and puns are the lowest form of humor, it still beats the shit out of a fucking cliché. Then again, this entire film is one big fucking cliché.

ninetypercentcrapmoviereviews.

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JP  

You know your movie’s in trouble when even Hercules: The Legendary Journeys has a better grasp of Greek mythology.

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1+
JP  

Augusto Pinochet as a vampire is a natural progression for co-writer/director Pablo Larraín from Spencer, which was at its core a ghost story. Spencer wasn’t good enough to warrant a follow-up, but for whatever it's worth, El Conde is pretty much more of the same, only slightly better executed.

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JP  

I, Frankenstein tries to establish a direct line of descent from Mary Shelley's novel, but the only thing that the two works have in common is the name Frankenstein — and only because it’s in the public domain.

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JP  

These two families are like the Hatfields and the McCoys, except that they share the same last name, and carry some of the same blood in their veins, making the conflict in Shotgun Stories more Cain and Abel than Montague vs. Capulet.

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JP  

Trust is the stuff that bad rom-coms are made of; why anyone thought they could fashion a drama/thriller out of this material, I haven’t the foggiest.

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JP  

Nick Cave is the antithesis of a rockstar — an unassuming intellectual who nonetheless remains a born entertainer as well as a mesmerizing raconteur.

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