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This may very well be the dumbest film John Cusack has ever been in, and that’s saying something for a guy who once starred in a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine. Dragon Blade claims to have been “inspired by true events” in Chinese history, but the final product feels more like the result of Chinese whispers.

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I can’t decide who’s dumber, the bad guys or the hero of Braven.

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“Do you know what Dr. Johnson said? Guests, like fish, start to stink on the third day.”
“In fact, I think you’ll find that I start to stink on the first day.”

This exchange exemplifies the good and the bad about Barcelona; it’s full of acerbic Johnsonian sarcasm delightfully deadpanned by Chris Eigeman, but the third act feels more like the third day, with all that that implies.

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The whole thing is like a cross between Tell Me How I Die and the Saturday Night Live episode where Chris Walken is a “trivial psychic,” except that there’s nothing trivial about state terrorism in Argentina in the 1970s and 1980s.

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The age of social media would be a double-edged sword for someone like Willy Loman (Dustin Hoffman), with his prophetic obsession with what we would now call ‘likes.’ One of his mantras is “Be liked and you will never want.” Not that much of an stretch to go from being ‘liked’ to getting ‘likes.’

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Motherless Brooklyn shows much more ambition than Norton’s previous directorial credit, which was also his debut: the romantic comedy Keeping the Faith. That’s the good news. The not-so- good news is that he remains a greater actor than he is a director and scriptwriter.

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Amber (Alison Brie) is nominally a manager at Italian food restaurant Tuscan Grove. We’re told she has "run this place like a perfectly run ship" for "nine years." We have to take this information at face value because we never see her running anything, perfectly or otherwise.

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Behind You has elements of The Exorcist, Child’s Play, Signs, and even Beetlejuice, but it’s also, to my knowledge, the first horror film in which an evil spirit is held off with peanut butter, and that, for better or worse, is something you don’t see every day.

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The Secret: Dare to Dream is based on a self-help book (which was in turn based on a pseudocumentary). I have not read the book (nor will I ever), but judging from the movie, it must be a lot like Brian Griffin’s Wish It, Want It, Do It — complete with the 50 blank pages.

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JP  

Ouija Blood Ritual is The Blair Witch Project minus the forest. Three wannabe filmmakers, named after the actors who play them (Kayla, her brother Dustin, and Rob), are shooting a web series that revolves around debunking famous Internet legends and urban myths. Methinks that ship sailed a long time ago.

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A Good Man should have been called A Less Bad Man, not just because the hero’s goodness is only apparent in contrast to the villains’ iniquity, but on account that it’s among Steven Seagal’s least offensive latter-day efforts — which coincidentally also only becomes evident when compared with the vast majority of his output.

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We never really learn much about Native Americans in this movie. The whole experience comes down to arts and crafts, and you better believe there’s no shortage of dreamcatchers here.

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JP  

The Tragedy of Macbeth is so fucking good I’m not even going to question the logic, or lack thereof, of an African-American eleventh-century Scottish nobleman; then again, Caucasian thespians Laurence Olivier and Orson Welles both played Othello, and if Denzel Washington isn’t in the same league as those two, he’s as close as any living actor could be.

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Why is there an exorcism in a film titled Stigmata? It’s like they wanted to cover the entire pious fraud spectrum.

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Howard Hawks defined a good film as “three good scenes and no bad ones.” Suddenly, Last Summer has four very good scenes dominated by either one of the two great actresses who play the leads — and, in one instance, by both.

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Whether by design or accident, when Godard made Contempt, he practiced what he preached (the best way to criticize a movie is to make another movie) vis-à-vis The Bad and the Beautiful

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Clearly, the filmmakers thought that Patient Zero was such a cool title (but is it really, though?) that it didn’t matter whether or not it made a lick of fucking sense.
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We all know that necessity is the mother of invention, but there is an Spanish expression that roughly translates to ‘laziness is the mother of all vices.’ I would say that the link between invention and laziness is largely computer-generated; that’s why a near-100 year-old movie such as The Invisible Man looks better than any modern CGI extravaganza

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13 Minutes (original title: Elser) reminds me mostly of two things: Sideshow Bob’s “Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?”, and Dominic Toretto’s “It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile, winning’s winning” — and, by the same token, losing is losing, whether by 13 minutes or 13 hours.

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Leonard Zelig is a “human chameleon,” but Zelig the film doesn’t stop at mimicry. Indeed, this fictional documentary written, directed, and starring Woody Allen differentiates between imitation and parody the same way Hitchcock differentiated between action and suspense.

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