#FirstCoffeeThoughts

𝘐𝘵 𝘪𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘸𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘵𝘺. 𝘐𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘥, 𝘸𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘪𝘯𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴.

𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘢 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘭𝘺, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭.

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘧𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘵𝘩, 𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘥. 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘴.

1/

𝘈𝘤𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯𝘦'𝘴 𝘳𝘰𝘭𝘦, 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘧 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘵, 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘪𝘧 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥, 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘴, 𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥.

𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘢𝘸, 𝘶𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘳𝘺, 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘢𝘸. - Frederick Joseph

Frederick writes much better than I do, and his essays come from a more clinical, educated, and professional place.

My communication methods are much baser and driven by my passion and history of suppression by my abusive parents who would switch-whip us for voicing any kind of independent thought or, god forbid, if we tried to assert ourselves, our rights, or just our feelings about anything going on.

I vowed to grow up and always speak my mind and not change how I speak for anyone.

2/

The result is that most people do not like me or they do until I start talking or expressing myself and then they decide it's not something they want to listen to anymore.

There are very few people who enjoy how I communicate but I would rather be my authentic self and I feel strongly about that given what I was subjected to as a child.

When you are bleeding and watching welts swell on your body because you dared to speak your mind ... you either stop speaking completely or get louder.

3/

I stopped speaking as a child ... but I was having a lot of internal conversations with myself and doing a lot of writing and all my thoughts and feelings were well documented in that way.

I was silent because I was tired of pain ... but I didn't intend to stay that way once I was free of the prison that was my home. And I stayed true to that ... even to my detriment of being able to have good friends who truly understand me or even holding down jobs.

I speak up. I speak my truth. Always.

Frederick writes in a way that communicates complex ideas and makes it readable by anyone ... he has a great way of putting into words things I could never do in such a way. I enjoy reading his essays because I admire the direction he is coming from. He's about spreading his truth to as many as possible ... making things more palatable with a better level of comprehension.

But his is very similar to my own experiences ... people either like him or deeply dislike him for how he uses his words.

𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴, 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥, 𝘣𝘺 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦.

𝘐𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘱𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘳𝘰𝘣 𝘢 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘴, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘶𝘹𝘶𝘳𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯.

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘺𝘮𝘣𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘤 𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥'𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘴—𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘴.

1/

𝘐𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘣𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘥, 𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘶𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘵𝘺 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘥𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺.

𝘛𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺, 𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴 - 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘺, 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘫𝘶𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘦, 𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭.

𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘪𝘳𝘤𝘶𝘮𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨.

2/