"Why did you kill all those Jedi?"
I was ordered to.
"Who ordered you to?!?"
Five Guys.
"What 5 guys?"
Five. Guys.

"Stop hitting yourself", I taunt, looking in the mirror.

@LnzyHou

"Life, uh, finds a way"

This Valentine's Day is also National Organ Donor Day.
I'm a little worried because it sure sounds like first they identify the singles, then they harvest our organs.

Due to an accident my sanity was surgically removed at the age of 19. They did let me keep it in a jar of formaldehyde, however.

@AI78 Neuralink trials in progress...

I just used a button from the enormous tin of old buttons, which justifies not only the tin, but a whole garage full of 'stuff that someday might come in handy'.

@danialexis 😂

If you have a problem with golf balls clogging your toilet, you need to see either a Doctor or Psychiatrist.

Co-worker with sonogram: "He looks just like his father"
His father:

Loser...

@Lucky188 Never in the wild, you really have to cultivate them.

.

.

My cleaning strategy is to keep the house just clean enough that if someone comes over I can say, "Sorry the house is a disaster, I haven't had time to clean in weeks."

I'm not a Mad Scientist, more so an Irritated Scientist; but I'm working on it.

What's this BS about A red pill or A blue pill? This is me every morning.

I'm just here to say stupid things and be miserable. You know, the things I'm best at.

https://www.theonion.com/fur-falling-off-elmo-in-clumps-after-asking-twitter-use-1851216840