My time is evenly split between being angry at the universe and begging the universe not to annihilate me for daring to be angry at it.

My new favorite game is mentioning literally any other platform on Twitter and watching as my tweets become completely invisible.

CONFIDENT: Pissing contest

DISCOURAGED: Missing contest

Years ago, I made an effort to create a cute, marketable character, and the closest thing I was able to come up with was Chompy - a little bear who's regularly faced with mind-bendingly horrific situations.

Since the film "Dracula 2000" was released on December 22, 2000, I move that it be retroactively re-titled "Dracula Basically 2001."

I'm adventurous, but not "stand a gaming console up vertically" adventurous.

From exactly two years ago. Wherein Cord makes a new friend.

Unpopular conspiracy theory: The Burlington Coat Factory and The Cheesecake Factory are the same factory.

From exactly six years ago.

"A fully autonomous security robot will patrol the Times Square subway station."

"Not cool enough to be different, and not different enough to be cool" is very much my brand.

"Well, SHIT!"

- Me realizing I just posted my best joke of the day at 5:30 in the morning

If you didn't spend each trip to the grocery store reading the backs of horror movie boxes in said store's video rental section, were you truly a '90s kid?

"Hurt feelings"? I call 'em "feelings."

My latest comic. Wherein Jenkins is ruled by instinct.

I get validation* through social media.

*validation of my self-loathing

Living in the Midwest, MY last day of summer was June 5th.

Now entering the "get actively angry at my allergies" phase of the morning.

"Okay, hear me out... How about a twist BEGINNING?"
- A visionary horror director

My horoscope warned that I may receive an unsettling letter today, and I’m wondering if I can pull one over on the universe by not checking my mail.