@Gord02 when I used to do job counseling with people if they didn’t get the job, I used to ask them if they inquired why. Just sent a nice little note to the employer and said I really appreciate you considering me for this position. Is there anything I could’ve done during the interview that would’ve made a difference?

If you are always being ghosted and then you need to find out what’s going on with you.

When I met my late husband he weighed 400 pounds and was mostly bald.

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@J_Windrow If I knew what my problem was, I assure you that I'd change my behavior.

@Gord02 have you considered your counselor?

Are you dependent in relationships?

Have you considered the 12 step group codependence anonymous?

I’m just throwing stuff on the wall here to see if anything sticks.

I have a guy friend who is so codependent it’s amazing he can’t see it. And he always picks unattainable women, then can’t understand why it doesn’t work.

It seems to me that meeting people organically is better.

@J_Windrow I've been self sufficient the majority of my life. I'm not dependent on a relationship, but damnit if they don't make life more enjoyable. Especially in today's Hellscape, it'd be nice if I had someone by my side so I don't have to endure the insanity by myself. I had a therapist until I changed jobs and stated he doesn't take my new insurance. I'm not afraid of therapy, as I've spent much of my life talking with therapists. I've put the work in, but am seeing no benefit from it.

@Gord02 he was one of the most brilliant people I ever met. He was also blind, BTW. He was a great conversationalist. We had similar beliefs. It it took us months of casual communication to connect. Me to connect. I was not really interested in being more than acquaintances. He didn’t push. He knew I had a lot of balls in the air. I’m introverted so after an 80 hour week I wanted to decompress with my kid.

But he also wasn’t looking for a cute girl 20 years younger as happens nowadays.

2:2

@J_Windrow I'm 6'2", 315 pounds, bald, and I have many interests and hobbies, including martial arts/kickboxing. I'm a Mechanical Engineer, and have been mistaken for being a salesman multiple times. I have sole custody of 2 teenage boys, so one could say I have my sh*t together. I'm kind to others, especially wait staff. Apparently none of any of that matters. I don't know what it is about me, but no one sticks around.

@Gord02 and there is no one in the martial arts/kickboxing community at all, who is a female who is in anyway the kind of person you’d like to meet?

I don’t know what to tell you, except maybe to sit down and talk with the counselor and see if you can get things figured out.

I am a great believer in organic connections and they take a LONG time to build. If somebody wanted to meet me, they would need to hang out at writing groups. And then it would take them months to get to know me.

@J_Windrow The "unworthy of love in a week" bit is not the concern as much as this is just the latest in the ghosting trend. Every woman I meet, the cycle is the same. We chat, we meet, they ghost. The date goes smoothly, as far as I can tell. I'm me, not a representative of myself, but me. We chat for hours. There are smiles, laughter, common ground... and then nothing. Always with the vanishing act. This is why I feel unworthy. If you're not interested, just say so. Is it that hard?

@Gord02 I think you’re missing something on that “if you’re not interested just say, so is that hard?”

Do you have any idea how many women are attacked and killed over that? How men go gonzo on dating sites and send death threats? How women are afraid?

Shit, I get death threats on FB from men I don’t know.

Ghosting can be self-preservation for a woman. With all the misogyny out there no
woman wants to die for saying she’s not interested.

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@Gord02 I wish you luck on all this but unfortunately… I’m gonna have to ghost at least for a while because I have got a deadline to meet.

Anyway, if you don’t understand why women are afraid of saying this doesn’t work for me. I think you need to do a little more work understanding what it’s like to be a woman out there in the dating game today because men kill women.

I’m not saying it’s you I’m saying that it happens and it’s scary and you get to be the receiver of that.

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@J_Windrow I'm aware of these scenarios. I get it. I honestly hoped that she saw my character enough to know that I'm not a psycho. Every ghosting just makes me feel like I'm unworthy. My confidence is in the negative. Self-esteem? Hardly. I can't be confident or have self-esteem when every encounter with a potential partner ends the same. I'm used to having experiments fail. I can learn from those. I can't learn from situations where I have no data. Ghosting provides me no data.

@Gord02 Taking a break here. Perpetual ghosting is a data point.

My late husband was a computer programmer. If the program keeps breaking then you recode the the program .

I didn't understand the languages he used, but I had expert pattern recognition skills and sometimes I got called in to find where it broke. Then the next place it broke. It is rarely one typo in a program. It's rarely one quirk in a human.

Find someone who can help you identify those patterns that are broken.

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@Gord02 Also, a week is nothing when it comes to meeting someone and making an evaluation of their character.

So many guys are in a hurry and feeling desperate for a connection. Men have fewer friends, fewer support outlets, etc and being needy can bleed through even though you're not aware of it.

Develop friendships into relationships. Look for someone who is interested in you. My daughter blew me off until it was the guy who became her best friend who is her life-partner.

Good luck.

@J_Windrow Got the rejection notice. It was nice enough, but it hurts all the same. I Tha ked her for the note, and stated how I was disappointed, but respected her decision, and wished her the best. I'm just so tired of never being good enough.

@Gord02 You have 2 teenage children. In fact, you have been good enough.

And there's no reason you cannot be enough within yourself. We do not need someone else to validate our value. In fact, no one can fill up our vacant spaces. We have to do that.

I'm not Buddhist, but I do recommend Buddhist style therapy/thought processes. If there is a Sanga in your area, see if you can trade some of your kick boxing time for time with a monk, mediation and learning detachment.

I'm serious.