I was supposed to work this week. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH yeah of COURSE I thought I could work, I push myself all the time with shit like this.

I had a really conflicted relationship with my mom. A lot of grieving right now has to do with all the missed chances there were. & why she wasn't a better mom, & whether or not we could've done better than we did.

If I hadn't started following this gal I wouldn't have known what I was seeing & what mom was going through: https://www.youtube.com/@hospicenursejulie

Fwiw I'm seeing folks' condolences - I don't know that I'll be able to respond to everyone, just know that I see you & appreciate it so very much. Thank you. <3 <3 <3

Dad & I were with her when she died.

If you've never seen anyone actively dying, it's rough.

Sometime after her fall she was given Valium to help calm her agitation. It worked - but she probably aspirated at some point. And then it was all over. She started actively dying from that point.

3rd day, she was unresponsive & apneic. Memory care called 911 & sent her to the local ED. She never really left.

A little over a week ago she fell, twice in 2 days. We didn't recognize it at the time, but it was probably terminal agitation. She wouldn't stop moving.

My mother died this past weekend.

She had Parkinson's dementia. She was doing mostly OK a year ago last May. We had to move her to memory care in September because she started wandering off.

Happy Fuck England Day you guyyysss!!!

I find it interesting how similar the signs of chronic burnout are to the symptoms of major depression.

Funny how that works.

@piquant00 Thanks. <3

Yeah. So. I got a lot going on.

Parkinson's sucks. Lewy body dementia sucks. It all sucks. It fucking sucks to the core.

That is all.

Dad is truckin' along, doing what he can to manage it. I don't know how the hell he's holding up, seeing his wife of 57 years decaying in front of his eyes. He's a pretty calm, Stoic kind of guy so he doesn't emote much, but I know him well enough to know his feelings run deep.

@Armchaircouch Thanks. We're working on it, & grateful for the good care she *is* getting. Sibling & I doing all we can to support our dad, too.

There really is a massive care crisis in the US. It's inexcusable. & we're not the only family living with the horrors of trying to deal with all this bullshit.

We have no idea how long she'll be in limbo in the psych unit, or where she will go next. Adult homes are overflowing, memory care won't take her, dad can't afford to have a 24/7 carer... fuck, he's going to be 80 this year, *he* certainly can't take care of her.

Dying Boomers are overwhelming the health care system here, along with staffing issues caused by a whole bunch of different factors (including post-pandemic issues, fewer providers due to burnout, & limits on how many new MDs can be trained each year).

& I'm in the US, so care for folks like my mom just... isn't there.

I mean, there are something like 1350 geropsychiatrists *in the entire nation*. There's one program locally & it's full. The waiting list is years for care.

She's been a shell of a person ever since she was a child. & now she's barely even that. She keeps lashing out & the staff keep having to restrain her so she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else. She spends half the time knocked out on Ativan & the other half of the time pacing & wandering & completely confused.